I just want to cry.
It's that simple.
I have spent the day with tears sitting in the corners of my eyes waiting to fall, probably needing to fall. One of those be-good-to-yourself days when I can't.
They are children, mature and wonderful, full of grace, but children. They don't understand days when it is easier for me to lie in bed than stand against the sadness. They don't understand why my usual laughter is edged with annoyance or why small things have suddenly become so large.
I understand their confusion, and I seek a way to explain. Sometime I don't understand either. All I know is some days are hard, and on those days, tears come easy and patience doesn't.
Tired from the strain of trying to force calm that cannot be created, I lie on my bed and pull close those I've been pushing away. We try to find light in the emotional cloudiness of the day.
Cloudy. That is it. If only emotions came with a forecast, a type of heads up of what to expect, then we would know whether to wear galloshes in the form of careful steps or umbrellas in the form of greater grace. Perhaps we would simply know better how to avoid the storm altogether, and if we couldn't stop it, maybe we could ease the effects.
"Do you ever get sad with all that has been happening?" I venture. I know the answer, but they need to understand.
Silent nods...theirs and mine...an understanding.
"Me, too." I pause, let the reality sink in, let them think sad, let them feel it. "Do you ever have a sad day when you can't quite get over the sadness, you don't just sit and cry, but you're sad?"
Again...silent nods. I let them wander into those days, into those hearts.
"Me, too." We sit in those days, and I venture further. "When you have those days, do you ever feel like you can't quite get happy? Like you can't stop being unhappy? Like everything is a bit bad even when it isn't?"
Eyes drop. They don't need to nod. I know. They know. They've had those days. I've witnessed them. Now, I let them witness mine.
"Some days I have sad days. Some days I just can't quite find happy. Some days everything feels a bit bad, even when it isn't. Some days you two do everything right, but my heart is still wrong."
It is quiet. No one needs to nod. We know.
"Today is one of those days for me. I'm sorry it is a hard day. I am trying, but I can't quite get to happy, and that is not your fault. I know you are doing everything right. Unfortunately, today, my heart isn't right. Today it's sad, and maybe instead of trying to pretend it is sunny and perfect day, I can just tell you what it really is. Maybe on days like these, it would help if we could tell each other that it isn't a sunny day, but a cloudy one. Maybe we could help all of us by simply giving an emotional weather forecast just like they give weather forecasts on the news. Then we know what to expect from each other, and we act and respond accordingly."
There are no nods. We all know. We know the power of understanding, the power of grace. We have the power to give it. We do that well. Now we have power to ask for it.
We snuggle close. I smile. The clouds still roll, but we are not as stormy.
We rest in the peace we could not create...only find...in the grace we know how to give each other...and ourselves...especially on emotionally cloudy days.