It's nearly 4:30 am, and I am awake because I feel sick. I am sure the hotdogs and chips for dinner have collided with all the sinus sludge from crying to create this gastrointestinal turfwar. While my stomach rolls with the mess, my body goes right on being content and functioning fine because the reality is I'm not sick. I just feel sick.
For a few weeks now, I have struggled with feeling spiritually sick. Symptoms include:
-feeling like God isn't speaking
-feeling like I'm in events and decisions of life by myself and God is just waiting to see if I sink or swim
-feeling like He sees me as a failure
That is how I have felt.
The reality is sometimes God is right in front of me, speaking loud and clear, and I miss Him because I've got my eyes closed.
This week my friends Thomas and Amelia dropped by the rollercoaster. She waved and told me she loved me as I whizzed by. Thomas, though, crawled up here with me and said, "Maybe you can control the rollercoaster by simply leaning a little more in a given direction." Okay. That isn't exactly what he said. What he said was:
"I would like to suggest that you look for the actual grace God sends from people."
Look for the actual grace God sends...
Open your eyes to see what God sends you. Actively see the grace in people...the grace of people.
Yes, Thomas, the grace of people.
Because while I feel alone in my cave, there are those whose hearts God has kept for my family and me. There are those who are praying daily. There are those who still believe in the midst of this mess I have something to say that might help someone. There are those who have not been offended by the raw honesty of my writing...or my silence.
Isn't that grace?
Isn't grace mint chocolate chip cookies because it is all my sweet friend knows to do? Isn't grace my friend who sits phone in hand to communicate via texts because I don't trust my voice to call? Isn't grace the friend who calls every few days, even when I simply reply by text, "I'm fine, just not very talkative"? Isn't grace the friend who treads gently to crawl up on the rollercoaster and say, "Can I make a suggestion? And by the way, we love you and pray for you everyday"?
"Look for the actual grace God sends from people."
Don't get blinded by how you feel. Look for the actual grace God sends...Actually look for God...
I'll let you know what I find, and don't be surprised if I actually have a lot to tell.