As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. -- Isaiah 55:10-11

Friday, October 29, 2010

Just What I Needed

I stare at my email box.

Comments.

Sigh.

I didn't want comments. I closed the comments...just like I've turned off my phone and ignored my email.

Verses that are "old standards" that really don't help in the newness of my life changes.
Patented Christian "responses" that are meant to help me refocus, but only make me feel like I am expected to perform better.
Another book I need to read that will help me beyond this grief.
Another worship CD to get my mind off things.
Another means of ministry that will sooth my aching soul.
Another person wishing she could hug me. I find myself wishing she realized sbe needs to hug me more than I need to be hugged.

I push the delete button...and push it again and again until they are gone. I know they mean well, but this is not what I need.

I need Dena, who sat in my bedroom floor, smoothed my hair, and cried with me as I sobbed with the pain of missing my mom.

I need John, who makes me laugh, asks me about everything except my mom or marriage, and makes my eyes cross with how much mustard he puts on his pretzel.

I need Jessica, who has no answers, but when I text, "Mom's death certificates came in the mail today. I can't make myself open them," replies simply, "I have never seen one before. I can only imagine the pain in black and white..."

I need Stuart, who simply looks in my eyes and says, "I'm sorry you are hurting like this right now," and hugs me tight.

I need Lisa, who sends me {{hugs}}, love, and prayers from Idaho...almost daily...and I wrap up in them every single time.

I need Chris, who asks me how I am and doesn't question when I say fine...even though my voice says I clearly am not.

I need Amelia, who brings my favorite cookies, gives me a hug, tells me she misses me...but she is waiting...and she really is.

I need Raymond, who meets me for dinner, laughs hard at my CERT adventures, and shakes his head with how funny I find life to be...sometimes with how funny he finds me to be.

I need Diane, who sends me emails telling me she is praying, calls to tell me she was surprised by seeing a mutual friend, and always has a smile in her voice.

I need people like these who know despite the pain I will be fine...I am fine.

I need people who know the tears are normal, the sadness is normal, the laughter is real, and my faith is solid. I need people who aren't afraid of smeared mascara or bad jokes. I need people who understand when I need to talk...and when I simply can't...who know both are okay.

I stare at my screen and ponder the comments. These people have good hearts. They mean well. I know they do. It's just not what I need right now.

I sigh again...

My thoughts are interrupted by my phone. A text. Something stupid followed by, "LOL I love you!" I laugh out loud, too.

It's just what I needed.

2 comments:

Carmel said...

You have amazing friends, Jerri. I'm so glad they're there for you in just the way you need.

Lisa Buffaloe said...

Precious friend my prayers continue for you. I'm always here, always praying, and sending love and very gentle hugs. ((((Jerri))))