For the last five to six months, I have tried very hard to keep my head up, to smile a lot, to look on the bright side, to have vision of where we were going. I have tried to stay solid in my faith, to praise God anyway, and to believe for better things.
However, I must confess the warfare has taken its toll. Between the shelling from the enemy and the hits from "friendly fire", I am tired. Frankly, I have never felt so abandoned in my life. I have never felt so much like I belonged no where. I have never felt like so much of a failure. And I have never hurt so badly.
Of course, we pious Christians like to remind those who aren't quite where we are that if they aren't as close to God as they used to be, it's not God that moved. Well, obviously I've messed up enough to put me completely off His charts.
And if I am that far away, then it is no longer sensible for me to write a blog hoping to point others to Him. I have nothing to offer. I do not know if I will remove this blog or leave it up with hopes that it still blesses people or that someday I will return to it. There are a lot of uncertainties.
But this I know:
Even with all my hurt and all my questions, I am convinced God is good. I am convinced He is loving. I am convinced His way is the best way. I know He is kind and merciful. I know Christ died for every sin, and I know forgiveness is found in His blood. A cruel, heartless, vindictive God could not love and give with voracious passion as the Father does. His passion and pursuit are beyond the human mind's ability to comprehend. He is God, and the wondrous things about Him never cease.
May you find Him in your seeking...