The Conflict of No Man's Land

Yesterday I took some letters to the post office and saw one of my favorite postmasters. It's been awhile since we talked, and we took some time to catch up. He told me about his family and then asked about the divorce since I wasn't wearing a ring.

I looked him in the face and said, "Well, I'm not actually divorced. We were a month from the divorce being final when Rob died in February."

He looked me in the eyes and asked, "So are you sad or relieved?"

My heart caught in my chest. "On which day? Or sometimes, which time of the day?"

Without breaking eye contact, he said, "That's what I would expect."

And I couldn't move. I just stared back...stunned at how good it felt to be seen...to be honest...finally.

I feel like I'm caught in a no man's land.

On one hand, I have the people who knew the best of Rob and rightfully loved him and admired him. Naturally, they expect me to be a grieving widow filled with sadness. On the other hand, I have people who know he left because he chose to leave instead of addressing our problems and his problems. They know the pain and struggle of the nineteen years we were married. They don't know what I would be sad about. In fact, they expect me to be relieved.

But like my postmaster friend understood, my reality consists of both.

I am relieved. I was so tired, and I couldn't hurt like that anymore. I'm not delusional. We were getting a divorce. Life was not wine and roses. Instead of being husband and wife, we were strangers living in the same house. Honestly, we had been...if I'm honest...for most of our whole marriage, and we were tired. Yes, I am relieved.

I am also horribly sad.

I miss my friend.
I miss the person I shared twenty-two years of my life with.
I miss the man whose face lit up when he held our babies.
I miss the man who helped me focus when I was too tired to push "one more time".
I miss the man who understood when he walked in and I was standing at the door purse and keys in hand because I needed a mommy break.
I miss the man who knew my quirks, shared inside jokes, understood when a red loggers shirt made me go to pieces at Walmart.
I miss the man who wrote checks to pay people's rent, buy children's Christmas gifts, and put groceries on someone else's table.
I miss...oh, God...all the things I miss....

And the thing is there is no one to share stories with. It's not like when my dad died, and I could talk with family or long time friends. I could talk with people who knew my dad when I was small or even before, and we could tell the stories. I learned how comforting telling the stories was. When my mom was in the hospital, my friend Jessica spent the night. We were up most of the night, talking, telling stories. Oh, it felt good to tell the stories, to know Mom's place in someone else's heart and her value in their life, to tell them how much she filled mine.

But with Rob, there is no one to tell stories.

It's almost like grieving the secret lover no one knew. Who is there to tell? Who would understand? Who will approve of the gamut of emotions that run through my system like a river out of control? The friends we shared either took "his side" and don't speak to me now or don't know what to say. I understand. It's a strange place to be.

It's a place where I find myself alone.

I've read through Rob's emails and texts. I know he wasn't happy with me as a wife, but I also know he told people over and over what a great mom I am and how talented I am as a writer. The crazy man complimented my cooking, even though he knew I hate to cook. Maybe that is why it was a big deal to him. I hate to cook, but I always tried to have dinner ready when he got home. He told people what a great job I did teaching the children academically and in all other ways. Over and over he said we have great kids because of me.

We stunk at marriage, but we thought the world of each other.

How does one explain that? I don't know. I can't. I just know it's true.

And this person that I thought the world of is gone, and my heart hurts.

People tell me to get over it, to get over him. After all, he didn't want me. He chose to leave.

Yes, he did. My husband left, and I'm not really sorry. This amazing man I knew named Rob died, and my heart is broken.

And there are so many stories...about the husband I don't miss...and the amazing man I do...

But instead of telling stories, I grieve in silence...

Dear God, I hate no man's land.

Thankful 42--Because Today Hurt

I woke up this morning, wrote a blog, prayed for folks, wrote some notes, took care of some writing stuff God told me to address, and chose to "leap into the next adventure", per God's words.

And the next thing I knew I was the target of significant enemy fire. I won't go into all the details, but it was so personal and so clearly a targeted offensive that a song I had just told someone earlier today still rips at my heart came on while I was sitting at dinner with my children. I haven't heard the song on the radio in MONTHS, maybe since before Christmas, and today, I mention the flood of memories and hurt it creates, and BAM! There it is on the radio in a public place where I can't change the channel, and the other hits were just as personal, just as deep, and just as hard.

I stood in front of God and said, "I just told these people not to quit, and I want to. If I had a place to turn in my resignation letter, I would. I'm tired. This has been one helluva a long hard ride. I'm going to bed."

And I did.

Two hours later, I woke up, and to tell you the truth, I feel battered and sore. Physically I even ache.

"Okay, God, talk to me. I'm not a quitter, and I refuse to just keep taking hits, so give me something. How do I stand in the midst of this assault?"

As I was praying, I received an email asking about my daughter's doctor's appointment.

"Doozy of a headcold, bronchitis closing up her chest. Breathing treatments, nasal spray steroid, antihistamine, decongestant, ibuprofen, water, steam showers, and the usual. As for Friday's audition--"

I stopped. Another missile hit. One audition since my mom died in October, and she has to be sick for this one? Really?

I went back into the message and typed in, "Thankfully, the earache is pressure not infection."

Thankfully....

Thankfully.

Thankfully...

1009. We are able to see a doctor when we need to.

1010. We have clean water for her to drink.

1011.  I know God is bigger than this.

1012. God hears my pleas and never says I am stupid for not seeing the obvious answer...of giving thanks.

1013.  Medical readily available to us.

1014. Long sleeps that are much needed.

1015. Geometry help. (Dear God, when I have to repent for hatred, does that include hatred for geometry? If so, I may really have a problem.)

1016. Finding SIX (not four!) years of pictures.

1017. Help with electronics when I get overwhelmed.

1018. Anna's funky hair color.

1019. Other people who have trigger music, too, and understand how one can go from fine to an emotional heap in just four notes of the wrong song

1020. A way groovy foreman on the crew working on our road

1021. That my truck did not just sit stuck in the mud this morning but by God's grace slid to the "solid" spot and could get traction to go out the other way (deep spiritual truth in that, Lord)

1022. A place to retaliate, to stand against the assault, to refuse to quit

1023. For emails from MaryB that are exact words from God. I read the email and thought, "Wonder if God pipes." He answered, every time Mary does, I'm right with her either playing along or just listening tapping my toe. It's good stuff." Yes, it is.

1024. The precious folks who ask, "How did it go?" because they have been waiting and really want to know. I love you more than I have words to say.

1025.  FOR EVERYONE WHO DID NOT QUIT TODAY

Indeed, God in heaven...thankfully....

When You Want to Quit...Please Don't

This morning I was praying for you, for the people who comment and those who don't either because you don't have anything to say or you are afraid others don't value what you say, and I told the Lord...
...if I could give you anything today...
...if I could impart anything to you...
...speak anything into your spirit...

I would say...

DON'T QUIT!!!!

I know the road is hard. I know it hurts. I know you want to give up. I know your heart aches more than you ever dreamed it could, and I know you are tired and weary and feel battle worn, and just lying down and saying, "Enough is enough," is so tempting.

I know.

I've been there.

And I am begging you...DON'T QUIT!!!!

You are not here because of some cosmic glitch. You are not here because God saw a blank line on a family tree and needed to put a name there.

You are here because YOU HAVE A PURPOSE.
You are here because YOU ARE AN ANSWER TO SOMEONE'S PRAYER.
You are here because THE GOD OF ALL CREATION SAYS YOU ARE NEEDED, WANTED, AND DESIRED.
You have something that no one else in this world has.

If I could look you in the eyes right now, I would tell you,
"You are amazing.
You are beautiful.
There is no one like you. Never has been. Never will be. YOU are beyond compare.
Your dreams have not been forfeited.
You are not a hopeless loser.
You are not beyond repair.
You are not damned to live a life of pain and hurt.
You, beautiful and beloved one, are the one Jesus died for.
You are the one God is pursuing with wild abandon because He sees who you really are.
You are so much more than this world has told you."

And I know some days that is so hard to believe, and I know some days you can't see it. I've never seen a platypus, but I believe they exist. The same God who made that platypus made the incomparable YOU. If you can believe there is a platypus, please--PLEASE!--believe in you...not because of what you have done or can do but because God is reaching out to you, because He woke me up at 5:00 am to tell you this...because He led me through the hell first so I could reach back, give you a hand, and tell you that you CAN get through this.

Please, please don't quit. You are more valuable than anyone has told you, and I'm telling you now. I thank God for you. I thank God that He has answered someone's prayer by giving you life. I thank God that you are more valuable than rubies, that you are more valuable than you have courage to believe. You are priceless.

You...are to die for.

Praying for you....

Not Sleeping

It's after 3:30 am, and I am not sleeping. I don't sleep a lot right now. Haven't in...a long time. When I do sleep, it is sort of a doze with dreams, nothing really restful. I wake up a lot, look at the time on the clock a lot.

I still haven't figured out this sleeping alone gig, I guess.

Most of the time, I think that is what it really is, sleeping with someone for so many years and adjusting to sleeping alone. Sometimes, though, it's more.

Tonight my heart is heavy, and I have nowhere to put it.

Once again I am in a season of removal. Friends I've depended on are being removed, and I understand it. Goodness, I've done it enough in the last few years, especially the last twelve months. I know the signs. I know what is happening. I don't know how to handle it yet.

I don't know what to do when people need to be needed more than I really need them. And people who usually get told "everything" don't handle it well when I tell them, "I have nothing to say," even though that is really the truth. "Best friends" become distant acquaintances, and that doesn't go well either.

No explanation I give makes sense to them, and I end up being the bad, unstable, anger-projecting person who needs anti-depressants and the humility to ask forgiveness for being such a lousy friend and not letting people help me.

Really, it makes me want to go in the closet with my pillow and blanket and sleep until the firestorm is over.

I do know it is hard for them. I've been on that side. I've had to learn from both sides that seasons are seasons. For reasons God does not explain to me, some friends are good for one season and not for another. And some folks come in for a few months, make a huge impact, and are suddenly gone leaving me gasping for breath in the vacuum. "Best friends" suddenly become bothers over night. I don't know why or how. I just know it happens.

It is hard for those seasoned out because they don't understand.

It is hard for those changing seasons...because they aren't understood.

And the empty place is hard.

For the people being seasonsed out, they lose one person. For the person changing seasons, most of an address book may disappear before it is over. That's a pretty big empty place with a lot of nice folks on the peripheral but no one in the middle where I am.

And that's where I am.

I know this is temporary. I know God never creates a void He isn't planning to fill. I know.

I also know yesterday I tried to pull the pictures from the external storage Rob set up. I couldn't access them. I don't know if they are there or gone. If they are gone, four years of pictures are gone. For my son, that is over 1/3 of his life's pictures with his dad. For my daughter is nearly 1/3 of her life with her dad that is gone. I sat with electronics spread out around me and sobbed by myself. Who was I supposed to call? Who would really understand the magnitude of what could be lost for me? I honestly could think of no one.

Yesterday I texted some people asking for prayer, made the mistake of sharing my heart a bit, and then got a lot about how they understood because of their lives which had nothing to do with the issues I was having. I ended up deleting replies without reading them.

I already feel pretty much totally alone. Decided not to make it worse.

There's more, like some comments made at my family reunion that make me worry about my gene pool. My favorite was, "Well, look at it this way. It's not like Rob would have been here anyway." Wow! Thanks for the reminder that our divorce would have been final because he decided being single was more fun than keeping our family together. I feel SO much better now! Glad we had this talk.

Can I undo the family reunion? No, but really, I'm not feeling motivated to attend other family gatherings either.

Believe it or not, I'm not angry. I'm just...

Up at 4:30 am with a heavy heart, a box of kleenex, and a quickly shrinking address list.

..................................

When God tells me to write things like the above, I often ask why. I already dread the responses. I already dread the "you know I'm always here for you" statements that are self-defense cloaked in accusation, and while well-intended have not been true. I've been going through this for a year. I already know what to expect, and I dread the "I'm sorry you are still so sad and have had to go through this" statements.

I'm not sad, and I'm not sorry I had to go through this. I've hated it, but I've learned more about compassion, grace, and mercy than I ever could have in any other way. Frankly, I am sickened by the legalistic, mind-over-matter, if-you-just-get-the-spiritual-stuff-right-it'll-work manure I gave as responses to hurting hearts and broken lives before. How God didn't just slap me really hard or kill me then is beyond me. But He didn't. Instead, He allowed me to walk through hell, watch my life be burned up while I was there, and come out the other side shocked at the destruction, but more sure of His amazing mercy, compassion, and understanding than ever. I have seen aspects of God in the hell of the last year that I could have never seen on a cushy pew or at some home Bible study.

And I am not sorry.

I'll tell you why I think God wanted me to write this. I think there are people out there whose lives are coming apart at the seams, and you don't understand the stripping down, clearing out, and complete excavation of your lives. People around you are watching and auditioning for the starring roles of Job's friends. You are staring at God wondering what you've done and begging Him to just tell you so you can fix it. And where you are is hell, and you are wondering what you've done to make God so mad.

If that is you, let me tell you something. All these people being deleted from my email list, I don't think they are wrong, and I don't think I am wrong. I think we don't work together for this season, and God has no problem removing something good to give me something better. And that is not to say the new people or activities coming in are better than those going out. Those people and activities were great FOR THAT SEASON. God has new things and people that are better FOR THIS SEASON.

And, yes, there is going to be something new, and, yes, you should thank God for the new thing, but it's okay to say, "This is HARD, and it blooming HURTS!" Yes, it is, and, yes, it does.

Unfortunately, I have no insta-answer. What I can tell you is I'm going to get off my computer now, and I'm going to pray for whomever else is doze-sleeping, looking at the clock a lot, or just not sleeping at all, and, yes, I believe God knows that is you.

God knows it is hard, and He knows you hurt. I'm praying you find Him in the empty place, that He gives you a place to lay down your heavy heart...and I pray you get some sleep.


--------------

I FOUND THE PICTURES!!!!!

For all of you who prayed, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Not My Story

Today I was published. An letter written as a simple email to someone I know stirred something deep in him, and he asked to publish it.

I bumbled for words and finally explained.

I had planned to share that story at some point, when God said it was time. For those initial few moments, I went from feeling honored to figuring out how to let him tell the story and still be able to write it and publish it as my story. In the flash of thought, somehow my spirit had the sense to ask how I would still be able to tell my story, and just behind my ear, in a calm and gentle whisper, I heard, "Jerri, it's not your story."

The flurry of thought stopped.

No, it isn't my story. It's His story.

I had been waiting to tell it until He said the time was right, until He said it would bless people.

"Well, if you think it'll bless people..." I heard my self say.

"It will," his voice came through the phone.

"Then absolutely. Share the story."

And so he did.

My name removed. Personal details graciously removed as well. There is no way to tell I had anything to do with it, and that is what I hope people see.

Often, I find myself wondering how my stories ever make a difference. They are just ordinary stories of an ordinary person. But the Lord reminds me that the Bible is full of stories of ordinary people who made an extraordinary difference. Actually, the Bible is one story...with a crazy cast of broken and messed up characters...and an insanely un-ordinary God who did extraordinary things through them...and sometimes in spite of them. It's His story.

I am His story.

So many of you feel so ordinary, and you wonder what difference your stories make...what difference your life makes. You wonder if anyone cares. He cares because your story is His story, and you may feel utterly broken and messed up...so join the cast....let Him do extraordinary things through you...and sometimes in spite of you...tell your story...and see what the wholly un-oridinary God does with it. Expect Him to do something amazing because after all...

...you are His story...

...and you an extraordinary one.

May You Know You Have a Place

Dear God,

Bless every person who reads this today.

In some personal, tangible way show them that You were thinking of them when you prompted me to write this. Whether it be a ladybug, a special song, the right scent, a particular phrase, or whatever is your personal love whisper to them, speak it clearly so the enemy cannot steal it.

I pray that Your truth of how important each of them are would permeate all sadness, doubt, and depression. I pray each person would allow that crack to become a wide door to hear Your voice and to receive Your love and blessing.

I pray for crazy boldness to believe You, to believe You love them, to believe You desire to bless them, to believe that YOU have the perfect place for each of them to belong and fit.

Lord God, show them they are not some random accident or their likes/feelings/interestes/passions are not some cosmic roll of the dice that "don't fit anywhere", but that in fact, they were specifically made with great detail to be the exact person they are and You know them and have a place and purpose for them.

And, Dear God in Heaven, show them where they are settling for less and give them courage to believe for the most. Show them that their choice to settle for less does not change Your desire to give them more than they can fathom, and then, give them the courage and support to believe for the unfathomable, to not just think "maybe" but to buy into it and become it, to be the person and have the life you have put in their heart to desire to be and do.

Lord, thank you. I know I felt the need to write this because YOU want it to be so. This is YOUR desire for those created for Your glory. Thank you for how much you love us and how much you are constantly reaching out to us.

You are breathtaking.

I love you...

A Focused Mission

Per my fabulous time with the Lord this morning: As usual, I asked who He wanted to talk about. That was a good time.

Then I asked Him what He wanted to speak forth and create in our lives. I loved His answer. He said, "It's time to focus on the children," and then true to His nature, He gave me the directions. They do not include blog/FB/computer time.

So...

I will be disappearing for a time. I'm thinking a few weeks, but only He knows. If I do well, maybe faster. If I'm a slacker, it'll be longer. In either case, He has a plan for my children, and He doesn't have patience for parents who are negligent to their duties, and I don't want to be.

So, my beloved ones, be blessed! God is for you, and His heart's desire is to give you more than you can imagine, even the peace and place of belonging you seek. Don't lose heart. Know He has a plan, and His love is ever for you.

Until...