The Conflict of No Man's Land

Yesterday I took some letters to the post office and saw one of my favorite postmasters. It's been awhile since we talked, and we took some time to catch up. He told me about his family and then asked about the divorce since I wasn't wearing a ring.

I looked him in the face and said, "Well, I'm not actually divorced. We were a month from the divorce being final when Rob died in February."

He looked me in the eyes and asked, "So are you sad or relieved?"

My heart caught in my chest. "On which day? Or sometimes, which time of the day?"

Without breaking eye contact, he said, "That's what I would expect."

And I couldn't move. I just stared back...stunned at how good it felt to be seen...to be honest...finally.

I feel like I'm caught in a no man's land.

On one hand, I have the people who knew the best of Rob and rightfully loved him and admired him. Naturally, they expect me to be a grieving widow filled with sadness. On the other hand, I have people who know he left because he chose to leave instead of addressing our problems and his problems. They know the pain and struggle of the nineteen years we were married. They don't know what I would be sad about. In fact, they expect me to be relieved.

But like my postmaster friend understood, my reality consists of both.

I am relieved. I was so tired, and I couldn't hurt like that anymore. I'm not delusional. We were getting a divorce. Life was not wine and roses. Instead of being husband and wife, we were strangers living in the same house. Honestly, we had been...if I'm honest...for most of our whole marriage, and we were tired. Yes, I am relieved.

I am also horribly sad.

I miss my friend.
I miss the person I shared twenty-two years of my life with.
I miss the man whose face lit up when he held our babies.
I miss the man who helped me focus when I was too tired to push "one more time".
I miss the man who understood when he walked in and I was standing at the door purse and keys in hand because I needed a mommy break.
I miss the man who knew my quirks, shared inside jokes, understood when a red loggers shirt made me go to pieces at Walmart.
I miss the man who wrote checks to pay people's rent, buy children's Christmas gifts, and put groceries on someone else's table.
I miss...oh, God...all the things I miss....

And the thing is there is no one to share stories with. It's not like when my dad died, and I could talk with family or long time friends. I could talk with people who knew my dad when I was small or even before, and we could tell the stories. I learned how comforting telling the stories was. When my mom was in the hospital, my friend Jessica spent the night. We were up most of the night, talking, telling stories. Oh, it felt good to tell the stories, to know Mom's place in someone else's heart and her value in their life, to tell them how much she filled mine.

But with Rob, there is no one to tell stories.

It's almost like grieving the secret lover no one knew. Who is there to tell? Who would understand? Who will approve of the gamut of emotions that run through my system like a river out of control? The friends we shared either took "his side" and don't speak to me now or don't know what to say. I understand. It's a strange place to be.

It's a place where I find myself alone.

I've read through Rob's emails and texts. I know he wasn't happy with me as a wife, but I also know he told people over and over what a great mom I am and how talented I am as a writer. The crazy man complimented my cooking, even though he knew I hate to cook. Maybe that is why it was a big deal to him. I hate to cook, but I always tried to have dinner ready when he got home. He told people what a great job I did teaching the children academically and in all other ways. Over and over he said we have great kids because of me.

We stunk at marriage, but we thought the world of each other.

How does one explain that? I don't know. I can't. I just know it's true.

And this person that I thought the world of is gone, and my heart hurts.

People tell me to get over it, to get over him. After all, he didn't want me. He chose to leave.

Yes, he did. My husband left, and I'm not really sorry. This amazing man I knew named Rob died, and my heart is broken.

And there are so many stories...about the husband I don't miss...and the amazing man I do...

But instead of telling stories, I grieve in silence...

Dear God, I hate no man's land.

Everywhere

It's one of those days when I simply miss Rob. Everything seems to remind me of him.

We went to the movie theatre. I'm not one for movies, but Rob loved them. He was big about first day movies. Well, some of them. As we walked in, I saw the advertisement for Thor. He was looking forward to going to that one.

I mowed the yard this morning, and there are trees growing in the rock retaining wall. This time each year we'd spend the day working in the yard. I'd mow, clean out flowerbeds, and put leaves in the compost pile. Rob would dig up the trees trying to grow between the rocks, cut limbs over the sitting area, and clean off the roof. When we were done, we'd take a long nap and watch TV. Usually one of us would rub the other's shoulders or legs or back, and we'd just be. It wasn't glorious...and it was.

On the way to the movie theatre, we listened to Ray Stevens. I could hear Rob spurting quotes.
"How did you get that big ol' motorcycle up on that high dive."

I thought about one of the funny text conversations we had. He texted:

"Standing in line at Walmart."
"Wearing nothing but my fezz."
"People keep staring. I think they are jealous because it has a propellor on top."

When he was on the road, he'd call, and sometimes when I answered, he'd say, "It's me again, Margaret."

I always laughed and asked, "Do you have a rubber chicken and peach preserves?"

His laughter would ring through the phone, and he'd say, "You know it, babe."

He had an amazing laugh and an amazing smile.

Tonight I was going to make chicken kabobs on the grill. I just stood at the grill and stared. I can use the grill. I know how, and I know how to make chicken, but it makes my stomach turn because I see Rob there in his shorts and t-shirt, working his food magic. He was a Grill King.

And I wonder how long days like this will come. I wonder how long I will have days that would be easier spent in bed trying to sleep through the sadness.

I know. The key is to look forward because God is doing wonderful things, and He has great plans. I do know that.

I also know Rob and I got a lot wrong, but when we got it right, it was amazing, and there were a lot of things I didn't like about our marriage, but there were a lot of things I loved about him, and today, those things seem to be everywhere.

Gratitude 25--Choosing to Hear the TeNoR PLAy

Years ago, I was memorizing parts of Philippians 4. When I reached the list of things to think on, I needed something to make them cohesive. I put them in a list:
True
Noble
Right
Pure
Lovely
Admirable

My boyfriend immediately came to mind. No, not because I was so madly in love that he was all of those things but because he played the tenor saxophone. See it yet?

True
e
Noble
o
Right

Pure
Lovely
Admirable
y

Today, that boyfriend is my husband of 18 years, and his saxophone sits in our garage. Most of the time, I think he is still really wonderful, but sometimes, on days like today, he hurts my feelings, not just a little but a lot, and it is easy to get bad and offended and hang on to that. It is easy to see the aggravating things he "always" does and to forget the good things he "never" does. Trust me, folks, I learned from the best on how to nurse a grudge. But the fact is, I don't want to nurse a grudge, and he doesn't "always" do those aggravating things, nor does he "never" do good things. But mentally knowing that and emotionally moving beyond it sadly are not always simultaneous actions. My emotions often need a bit of help.

That is when again the TeNoR PLAys.

True--He loves me and wants to be the perfect husband for me. Really, in his heart, he would never ever do anything to hurt me, and it hurts him when he knows he's hurt me or let me down in anyway.
Noble--He works so hard, and he doesn't complain. Even when he's tired, he does what needs to be done to take care of our family and meet our needs.
Right--He respects others and makes the effort to see their good points and their good intentions.
Pure--He isn't ego driven.
Lovely--He lights up when he sees us. He really enjoys being a husband and dad. He really enjoys us.
Admirable--When something is settled, it is settled. He never brings it up again.

He's all those things and more. Even on days like today, he's music to my ears, and I'm so thankful he's my husband.

Gratitude 21--The Man of My Dreams for 18 Years

Today is our anniversary. We've been married 18 years. It is hard to fathom that it has been so long, but according to the calendar, it has...and I am thankful.

1. Laughter
2. The good times
3. The bad times
4. Two children
5. Forgiveness
6. Mercy
7. Kindness
8. My cheerleader
9. My reality checker
10. A man of integrity
11. A man who pays our rent
12. A man with a good work ethic
13. Common jokes
14. Quotable movies
15. The Carrot Joke
16. Life recorded in 8x10 black and white glossy pictures with the circles and the arrows and a paragraph on the back...
17. His quirky sense of humor
18. He's exothermic...especially wonderful when my toes are cold
19. He hates getting his hands messy
20. His Christmas song issue
21. His shoes are big enough I can just slip them on and clunk around in them instead of taking time to untie and tie mine. Saves me seconds that way.
22. He can make ANY song into a twisted swing version
23. He laughs at my jokes
24. He is a walking trivia file
25. He can be insanely meticulous...I'm usually the one who ends up insane from this
26. Camping
27. Holding hands
28. He reads my blog
29. "That" look
30. Being spoons
31. He tells me he loves me and kisses me before he goes to work in the morning
32. He never holds grudges
33. He grills really good asparagus
34. Rummikube
35. He understands I'm not as fast at Sudoku as he is. He can bury me in that game.
35. Going somewhere we've never been and seeing things we've never see before...together.
36. Yard work
37. Pictionary--I always win. :-)
38. I know how to turn my computer on. He handles everything from there.
39. His smile
40. The Backward ABC song
41. Scrabble
42. Wildflower bouquets
43. He didn't get upset when I bent his specialized license by running into the camper tongue
44. Scripture on wedding invitations
45. That a chord of three strands is not easily broken
46. For the joy of looking forward to seeing him when he gets home today
47. For the expectation of a joyful tomorrow

Honey, I love you! You are the Man of My Dreams, and I am so very thankful to be your wife.

Gratitude 9 -- Rob, The Man of my Dreams, part 1

Notice I said "part 1". I hardly think I could list all the things about Rob for which I am thankful, and even if I listed everything that came to mind today, tomorrow I might have a whole new list. That is one of the wonderful things about gratitude, it is ever seemingly redefining itself when in truth it has only set itself against a new background that highlights yet another piece of its glorious countenance.

Such is also true for my husband.

So, here, today, on a chilly Sunday morning in North Texas as our daughter, who has a head cold, sleeps on the couch and The Man of my Dreams sleeps snuggled up in our bed--this is my list of gratitude with such a backdrop.

1. He hears Anna sniffle from her room and can't sleep through it.
2. He jumps on the trampoline with the children.
3. He plays computer games with the children.
4. He will watch chick flicks without grumbling.
5. He writes down Anna's medicine schedule so I don't give meds at the wrong time.
6. He never accuses me of having the easy job.
7. He thinks tickling little boys is hysterical fun, and since the little boy in our house agrees, it works.
8. He thinks sitting in the recliner reading a book while a stuffy little girl reads on the couch is just what a daddy should do.
9. He knows where the vaporizer is and how to set it up.
10. He turns on the small fan in our bedroom and closes the door so I don't hear the sniffling, coughing, sneezing, and prep work coming from the rest of the house.
11. He will sit and watch as many videos as the children desire and never complain about boredom.
12. He always finds something to color on that blank piece of paper so we can all gather round for "non-demanding" family time.
13. He always has the energy to go get a fountain drink from Sonic to help break up congestion.
14. If you'll eat it, he'll make it or get it for you.
15. He snuggles.
16. If the video store is open, he'll get whatever you want to watch.
17. He doesn't fuss about how tired he is.
18. No matter how sick you are, he'll still kiss you on the forehead and smile at you.
19. His laughter is good medicine.
20. He never grumbles about being needed so much.