This morning I woke up mentally and emotionally heavy. It's the kind of morning that seduces me to stay in bed and wallow in the sadness and glum of my life at the moment. No tears fall. No defined emotion, just a numbed misery that wants to suck me in and suck the life out of me.
It is easy to succumb.
But I don't.
Instead, I speak the heavy thoughts to the Lord, the ones that whisper hopelessness and loneliness. I tell Him my concerns, the ones over which I have so little control. I confide my desires--to be loved, to embrace these trials, to learn from them, to learn to battle through them, to enjoy this day anyway.
To enjoy this day anyway. Quite possibly the hardest battle of all.
I have become rebellious to the plastic mentality of putting on a happy face and pretending all is fine even when my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I feel I can't breathe. I have become militant in my determination to be real, to live authentically, to embrace every moment and every emotion, suck all the wisdom out of them, and then move forward. I will not lie about my pain so others can feel better or be more comfortable around me. Yet, despite my choice to embrace the feelings of the moment, I have become ardent in refusing to let them define me or my day. I have become passionately purposeful in living each day with hope, joy, and excitement--to live life at its most glorious...anyway.
Life at its most glorious is not an absence of trials. It is the choice to flourish in and because of the trials.
How do I do that today?
"Lord, give me strength."
He answers, "Strong is something you choose to be. Strong is the choice to do the right thing. You know how to be strong."
"Give me wisdom."
"I am. Right now."
"Lord, tell me what I need to do right now to embrace life at its most glorious."
"You're doing it. You are embracing the option and the day's possibilities."
"I can't pretend to be happy."
"I'm happy you won't pretend."
"So what do I do to move past this? Because hopeless and gloomy are not who I am."
"Then be you and enjoy it. Enjoy what you bring to the world. Enjoy the hope and encouragement you bring. Enjoy you. I do."
A soft laugh, and I smile.
Be you...and enjoy it...I do.
Honestly, so do I.
I take a deep breath and sigh contentedly. Oh, yeah, it's going to be a great day.