Last night I was graced with the opportunity to read a friend's manuscript--a last proofing before it goes to the publisher. She thought I was doing her a favor. HA! I finished it and cried fat, hot tears for 45 minutes or so.
Since my husband moved out and my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I have often been told how brave I am, how inspiring I am, how encouraging I am.
Last night I was honest about how broken I am.
As I poured my honest feelings out, I felt like my heart was being sent through a shredder. All the things I wanted to keep hidden oozed out, and the pain felt overwhelming, and honestly, I hated that. But, in the midst of it, I also felt found...by my friend that I poured my heart out to...by the God who never left, just waited until I would let Him close enough for Him to whisper tenderly again. And honestly, that felt so good.
Jesus said God wants people who worship in spirit and in truth. Spirit, I can do. Truth...well, I'm better at worship Him in spirit and perform-well. I'd much rather tell Him what I think He wants to hear, what I think others will find acceptable, or what makes me look good.
While those genres look good, they don't feel good. They never allow me to feel His love and acceptance for me as I am. My longing to be loved never gets filled, and that creates a wound all its own. Also, if I am not honest about the depth of my hurt, I will never see His greatness in the depth of His healing. Why be grateful for steak if I don't think I'm hungry? And, if I never acknowledge that my knees are buckling under the load I am carrying, why would I see the need for another to help or ever understand the compassion that removes it from my shoulder?
No, not everyone will understand the honest part of me. Unfortunately, there will be those who feel the need to offer advice...that is useless and grates on my nerves. Yes, there will sometimes be finger pointing and whispering. They simply won't get it...won't get me. However...
I choose not to worship humans. I choose to worship God.
Thankfully, God has never turned away anyone who sought Him honestly, and He's never withheld good things from people who put themselves in His hand. And even if no one else gets me, I know He will...honestly.