Like today. Not because it's Wednesday, but because it is an angry day. I hate angry days.
Honestly, angry days make me feel like defeated, not dejected or discouraged, but like I am losing a war. I hate that someone else' actions or life's circumstances can have so much control over my responses. I hate that my emotions just run amuck without my permission. I hate that I can be having a great time and some weird thing happen and suddenly I'm sobbing.
I hate this more than I can tell you.
I hate feeling like the sadness is bigger than I can get on top of some days, and I end up feeling like my whole goal is simply to find air pockets so I can breathe under this pile of life rubble I'm under.
I hate feeling broken, like I can't see people for who they are but through some shattered filter. I hate wondering when I will trust people's motives and words again.
And, yes, I know. All of this is normal, and my being angry about it is about as sensible as a soldier being mad at him-/herself for being shot in combat, hurting from the wound, and having to heal. I do understand that.
I understand my life has been ripped into a more pieces than I can count, and it seems that every piece has become some sort of shrapnel that has embedded itself into me in excruciatingly painful ways. However, I also understand that even if I am wounded, I have people for whom I am responsible. I take the responsibility very seriously, and I hate feeling like I am not doing the best I possibly can for them, to lead them, to train them up for when they face battles like this, to help them find their footing when everything around them seems to be crumbling, to help them find their way through the pain and questions to see there is still goodness and joy.
As I said, these are the days when I feel defeated, like I'm losing the battle, like I have to fall back to a defensive position instead of standing in an offensive one, and yeah, I hate that.