Annoyingly, the rollercoaster is still in full swing. I feel like a pendulum Tarzan slamming from one extreme mood to another. Okay, well, that euphoric part of the manic is a bit elusive lately, but nonetheless. DESPITE THE MOOD PENDULUM TELEPORTATION, I know things are getting better...I am getting better.
First of all, I have really missed my mom this week. Like I told a friend of mine, I don't think I have really been congnizant of grieving Mom in the last 3 1/2 months. I've missed her, but I haven't grieved. This week I grieved. This week, my heart felt broken, and the tears fell with just the mention of her. That Is huge because it means the pain from the divorce is not so great that I find the grief of Mom's death too much. I am now stable enough with the divorce to address the emotions of losing Mom.
Of course, that also means I just swapped rollercoaster rides. Yeehaw.
I'm also thinking through things faster and not getting lost in the pain, I think. In the last week a few things have slammed me really hard, and I've cried a lot, hurt a lot, but I've also prayed a lot, been still a lot, listened a lot, and thought a lot more clearly. And each time I've walked away from the "trigger" calmer, more focused, more...sure. I won't say I have a swagger in my step, but I do have a smile on my face.
And once again, I am able to see myself as a shaper of our future, not just someone trying to survive a helluva rough seven months, but someone who will flourish and have an amazing life. I can choose that. I'm not a victim. I am a visionary with determination and peace.
Oh, believe me, I am fully aware that tomorrow you could walk in and find me sobbing on my bedroom floor again. If so, just set the Kleenex box beside me. Feel free to sit down with me and wait it out or close the door behind you when you leave. Either is fine because today is good. Right NOW is good...in that "been through the fire and am still there but I'm learning how to enjoy an umbrella drink while I'm here" sort of way. :-)
Friday, January 28, 2011
Umbrella Drinks in the Fire
Annoyingly, the rollercoaster is still in full swing. I feel like a pendulum Tarzan slamming from one extreme mood to another. Okay, well, that euphoric part of the manic is a bit elusive lately, but nonetheless. DESPITE THE MOOD PENDULUM TELEPORTATION, I know things are getting better...I am getting better.
First of all, I have really missed my mom this week. Like I told a friend of mine, I don't think I have really been congnizant of grieving Mom in the last 3 1/2 months. I've missed her, but I haven't grieved. This week I grieved. This week, my heart felt broken, and the tears fell with just the mention of her. That Is huge because it means the pain from the divorce is not so great that I find the grief of Mom's death too much. I am now stable enough with the divorce to address the emotions of losing Mom.
Of course, that also means I just swapped rollercoaster rides. Yeehaw.
I'm also thinking through things faster and not getting lost in the pain, I think. In the last week a few things have slammed me really hard, and I've cried a lot, hurt a lot, but I've also prayed a lot, been still a lot, listened a lot, and thought a lot more clearly. And each time I've walked away from the "trigger" calmer, more focused, more...sure. I won't say I have a swagger in my step, but I do have a smile on my face.
And once again, I am able to see myself as a shaper of our future, not just someone trying to survive a helluva rough seven months, but someone who will flourish and have an amazing life. I can choose that. I'm not a victim. I am a visionary with determination and peace.
Oh, believe me, I am fully aware that tomorrow you could walk in and find me sobbing on my bedroom floor again. If so, just set the Kleenex box beside me. Feel free to sit down with me and wait it out or close the door behind you when you leave. Either is fine because today is good. Right NOW is good...in that "been through the fire and am still there but I'm learning how to enjoy an umbrella drink while I'm here" sort of way. :-)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Knowing
I grew up in church, there every time the doors were open, even when we were sick and there was no heater. I memorized verses. Sang hymns. Prayed at the old wooden altar, knees on the hard wood floors. I don't remember ever doubting there is a God, and I thought I knew God.
But the God I've seen in the last year is unlike anything I've ever known or experienced before.
I have been in awe of His power. I have been overwhelmed by His greatness.
Now I am undone by His gentleness.
I have never experienced such compassion or kindness in my whole life. It is as though He has stepped from His high throne as King and wrapped Himself in a towel...and I never understood. I am sure I don't understand now...but for the first time, I am beginning to know that He really does...
And while I am left thinking I do not know this God who is so patient in simply being with me...for me...I am mystified by the completeness of His knowing me.
But the God I've seen in the last year is unlike anything I've ever known or experienced before.
I have been in awe of His power. I have been overwhelmed by His greatness.
Now I am undone by His gentleness.
I have never experienced such compassion or kindness in my whole life. It is as though He has stepped from His high throne as King and wrapped Himself in a towel...and I never understood. I am sure I don't understand now...but for the first time, I am beginning to know that He really does...
And while I am left thinking I do not know this God who is so patient in simply being with me...for me...I am mystified by the completeness of His knowing me.
Knowing
I grew up in church, there every time the doors were open, even when we were sick and there was no heater. I memorized verses. Sang hymns. Prayed at the old wooden altar, knees on the hard wood floors. I don't remember ever doubting there is a God, and I thought I knew God.
But the God I've seen in the last year is unlike anything I've ever known or experienced before.
I have been in awe of His power. I have been overwhelmed by His greatness.
Now I am undone by His gentleness.
I have never experienced such compassion or kindness in my whole life. It is as though He has stepped from His high throne as King and wrapped Himself in a towel...and I never understood. I am sure I don't understand now...but for the first time, I am beginning to know that He really does...
And while I am left thinking I do not know this God who is so patient in simply being with me...for me...I am mystified by the completeness of His knowing me.
But the God I've seen in the last year is unlike anything I've ever known or experienced before.
I have been in awe of His power. I have been overwhelmed by His greatness.
Now I am undone by His gentleness.
I have never experienced such compassion or kindness in my whole life. It is as though He has stepped from His high throne as King and wrapped Himself in a towel...and I never understood. I am sure I don't understand now...but for the first time, I am beginning to know that He really does...
And while I am left thinking I do not know this God who is so patient in simply being with me...for me...I am mystified by the completeness of His knowing me.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sometimes It Takes A Mental Adjustment
I have those days when a variety of elements combine to be annoying and a bit heavy. When those happen, I take a deep breath and mutter, "Time to put on the big girl panties." Then I mentally choose them.
Today, I'm thinking leather with small zippered pockets with silver zippers. Big girl bra to match. For some reason I feel the need to pull out my pump action Nerf shotgun. :-)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Beauty in the Desert
God is amazing, isn't He? That way He takes the desert and puts the most wildly amazing spots of beauty in it that just make me hunger for what it on the other side so I keep moving forward and refuse to be distracted by the mirages that the enemy sets around me. Oh...He takes my breath away...
--Facebook post, January 23, 2011
--Facebook post, January 23, 2011
Beauty in the Desert
God is amazing, isn't He? That way He takes the desert and puts the most wildly amazing spots of beauty in it that just makes me hunger for what it on the other side so I keep moving forward and refuse to be distracted by the mirages that the enemy sets around me. Oh...He takes my breath away...
--Facebook post, January 23, 2011
--Facebook post, January 23, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Milk and Honey
It is now 12:34 am, and the children are in their beds again. It's an emotional night with them really missing their dad. Usually, they see him on Thursday nights, but due to weather concerns that didn't happen. The change in schedule has raised the awareness of Daddy being gone back to the forefront of Favorite Boy's thoughts and emotions. It didn't take Wonder Girl long to join the snuggle pile on the couch.
Nights like this are really hard for me. On one hand, I want to cry because it makes me sad for the children, and when Wonder Boy's voice breaks as he says, "I miss you and Dad being together," my heart breaks, too. Then I get angry because I think the divorce is stupid and unnecessary. It is selfishness at its most unconsionable. However, I don't break into sobs, and I don't throw their dad under a bus. Instead, I speak tenderly and assure them I am here, I have no intention of going anywhere. I tell them again that some days are hard but it is going to get easier, it is easier, and we are okay.
I'm not sure what "okay" looks like, but the hope of it seems to make things better...for them and me.
In my mind, I try to remember that we are in one doozy of a desert right now but the Promised Land is out there. I don't really know what that looks like for us, but I know it is a good place. For the Israelites that was literal. What about us? What does milk and honey look like when you are trying to put your life back together?
Milk--Milk is nurturing, the food a mother gives a baby. It is filled with all the food, nutrients, and provision a baby needs to thrive.
Honey--Sweet, useful for a variety of food items. A teaspoon of local honey everyday can reduce allergies and help one breathe better. It's produced from flowers by worker bees.
While I don't know exactly what the Promised Land looks like or how it will manifest, I know God will nurture us there, and He will give us what we need to thrive. He will fully provide for us as His children. It will be sweet, with beauty around us. It'll be a place we can breathe, and we will have purpose and be productive.
The Promise Land is a good place, a good place indeed, and the God who is going to get us there is with us even now, in the desert...and even now I see the nurturing and the provision, enjoy the sweet moments filled with beauty. Even now, we are breathing...have purpose...are growing...
Even now He is keeping His promise...even now, we really are okay...
Nights like this are really hard for me. On one hand, I want to cry because it makes me sad for the children, and when Wonder Boy's voice breaks as he says, "I miss you and Dad being together," my heart breaks, too. Then I get angry because I think the divorce is stupid and unnecessary. It is selfishness at its most unconsionable. However, I don't break into sobs, and I don't throw their dad under a bus. Instead, I speak tenderly and assure them I am here, I have no intention of going anywhere. I tell them again that some days are hard but it is going to get easier, it is easier, and we are okay.
I'm not sure what "okay" looks like, but the hope of it seems to make things better...for them and me.
In my mind, I try to remember that we are in one doozy of a desert right now but the Promised Land is out there. I don't really know what that looks like for us, but I know it is a good place. For the Israelites that was literal. What about us? What does milk and honey look like when you are trying to put your life back together?
Milk--Milk is nurturing, the food a mother gives a baby. It is filled with all the food, nutrients, and provision a baby needs to thrive.
Honey--Sweet, useful for a variety of food items. A teaspoon of local honey everyday can reduce allergies and help one breathe better. It's produced from flowers by worker bees.
While I don't know exactly what the Promised Land looks like or how it will manifest, I know God will nurture us there, and He will give us what we need to thrive. He will fully provide for us as His children. It will be sweet, with beauty around us. It'll be a place we can breathe, and we will have purpose and be productive.
The Promise Land is a good place, a good place indeed, and the God who is going to get us there is with us even now, in the desert...and even now I see the nurturing and the provision, enjoy the sweet moments filled with beauty. Even now, we are breathing...have purpose...are growing...
Even now He is keeping His promise...even now, we really are okay...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Courage of a Dandelion
I love dandelions. In a field or in my yard. I love them. Bright yellow paint drops on a green canvass, standing out, looking happy, making me smile. Yep. I love them.
I love how the tiny drip of sun becomes a bundle of wishes waiting to happen. Oh, I know. It's superstition to assume my wish will come true if all those little seeds explode into the air just because I can breathe hard enough to send them flying. However, I belief Breath is what gives life, and potential cannot be achieved while clinging to the old. It takes courage to change, to believe in what one can be.
I love that about dandelions.
I know other folks don't like them. They see weeds, bothersome little plants that don't fit into the box of beautiful homes and gardens. Those people can't get beyond established definitions of beautiful or useful or acceptable. Somewhere someone told them dandelions are bad, and they believed...and sadly for them, they are missing the wonder and the beauty...and the freedom to dream of something more.
As for me, I pray to be a dandelion, the bright spot standing out among the status quo and the perfectly manicured. I pray to grow even where I am not understood or even wanted, and I pray I am never afraid to give up what I am for the potential of what I can be. I pray I always have the kind of courage...
...The courage of a dandelion.
I love how the tiny drip of sun becomes a bundle of wishes waiting to happen. Oh, I know. It's superstition to assume my wish will come true if all those little seeds explode into the air just because I can breathe hard enough to send them flying. However, I belief Breath is what gives life, and potential cannot be achieved while clinging to the old. It takes courage to change, to believe in what one can be.
I love that about dandelions.
I know other folks don't like them. They see weeds, bothersome little plants that don't fit into the box of beautiful homes and gardens. Those people can't get beyond established definitions of beautiful or useful or acceptable. Somewhere someone told them dandelions are bad, and they believed...and sadly for them, they are missing the wonder and the beauty...and the freedom to dream of something more.
As for me, I pray to be a dandelion, the bright spot standing out among the status quo and the perfectly manicured. I pray to grow even where I am not understood or even wanted, and I pray I am never afraid to give up what I am for the potential of what I can be. I pray I always have the kind of courage...
...The courage of a dandelion.
Courage of a Dandelion
I love dandelions. In a field or in my yard. I love them. Bright yellow paint drops on a green canvass, standing out, looking happy, making me smile. Yep. I love them.
I love how the tiny drip of sun becomes a bundle of wishes waiting to happen. Oh, I know. It's superstition to assume my wish will come true if all those little seeds explode into the air just because I can breathe hard enough to send them flying. However, I belief Breath is what gives life, and potential cannot be achieved while clinging to the old. It takes courage to change, to believe in what one can be.
I love that about dandelions.
I know other folks don't like them. They see weeds, bothersome little plants that don't fit into the box of beautiful homes and gardens. Those people can't get beyond established definitions of beautiful or useful or acceptable. Somewhere someone told them dandelions are bad, and they believed...and sadly for them, they are missing the wonder and the beauty...and the freedom to dream of something more.
As for me, I pray to be a dandelion, the bright spot standing out among the status quo and the perfectly manicured. I pray to grow even where I am not understood or even wanted, and I pray I am never afraid to give up what I am for the potential of what I can be.
Yep, I really love dandelions.
I love how the tiny drip of sun becomes a bundle of wishes waiting to happen. Oh, I know. It's superstition to assume my wish will come true if all those little seeds explode into the air just because I can breathe hard enough to send them flying. However, I belief Breath is what gives life, and potential cannot be achieved while clinging to the old. It takes courage to change, to believe in what one can be.
I love that about dandelions.
I know other folks don't like them. They see weeds, bothersome little plants that don't fit into the box of beautiful homes and gardens. Those people can't get beyond established definitions of beautiful or useful or acceptable. Somewhere someone told them dandelions are bad, and they believed...and sadly for them, they are missing the wonder and the beauty...and the freedom to dream of something more.
As for me, I pray to be a dandelion, the bright spot standing out among the status quo and the perfectly manicured. I pray to grow even where I am not understood or even wanted, and I pray I am never afraid to give up what I am for the potential of what I can be.
Yep, I really love dandelions.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Because We Have Hope...
Once again Anna and I are participating in Relay for Life, Wylie/Sachse event, April 29th.
At the event, our team will camp out overnight and take turns walking around the track to raise money and awareness to help the American Cancer Society. The first year we participated I wanted Anna to see that even a child can make a difference. This year we are participating for a different reason. This year we are participating because we have HOPE.
God bless you and yours,
Jerri and Anna Phillips
Anna’s Page
Jerri’s Page:
Please do not feel you need to donate to both of us. If you are trying to choose between us, it is my desire that Anna’s fundraising goal be met. And if you are unable to support us financially, would you consider praying for us and maybe sending a note of encouragement to Anna? If you email me on her behalf, I will gladly forward it to her, or you can feel free to email her yourself. Thank you for your support.
At the event, our team will camp out overnight and take turns walking around the track to raise money and awareness to help the American Cancer Society. The first year we participated I wanted Anna to see that even a child can make a difference. This year we are participating for a different reason. This year we are participating because we have HOPE.
I walk because I have hope...Please prayerfully consider supporting us as we hope and we encourage others to hope as well.
I hope my being here, wearing a Caregiver shirt gives courage to someone else wondering how they will endure the trips to the doctors', watching their loved one sick from treatment, and the letting go that may ultimately be required.
I hope to give someone a smile, a laugh, a better day because I'm here.
I hope to be the hand up when someone feels like they cannot take one more step.
I hope that when I hit that wall that says I can walk no further someone sees me take one step more and knows he or she can, too.
I hope to share the story of my mom with others who know the importance of the immortality of stories, the words of love, and I hope they share theirs with me.
I hope to scream into the crowd, into time, and into the face of the enemy that I will not be defeated, I will not bow down, and I will not quit, but I will walk as long as their is someone who needs someone to walk with them, who needs someone whispering, "Yeah, the road is hard, but you can make it," who still has hope, too.
I am walking because I hope to make a difference in the minds, hearts, and lives of those fighting their own battle with cancer, whether that be through medicine, keeping head high even with the worst of prognosis, or grieving a loss. I am walking because I believe even greater than research is relationship and knowing in this fight no one is alone.
--Jerri Phillips, 2011, profile page
God bless you and yours,
Jerri and Anna Phillips
Anna’s Page
Jerri’s Page:
Please do not feel you need to donate to both of us. If you are trying to choose between us, it is my desire that Anna’s fundraising goal be met. And if you are unable to support us financially, would you consider praying for us and maybe sending a note of encouragement to Anna? If you email me on her behalf, I will gladly forward it to her, or you can feel free to email her yourself. Thank you for your support.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Being Relevant v. Being Good
I posted this on Facebook this morning. It is something I think the Lord wanted me to share here as well.
In the last several months, not just since Rob and I have separated, I have been asking God what true, authentic Christianity looks like, not the middle-class stuff with the cushy pews, perfected worship music, ideal sound systems, and polished sermons. What does true, change the world Christianity look like? I don't have all the answers, but in the last six months, I've had a good chance to see some of what it is...and a lot of what it isn't. Here is some of what I have found.
Truth is, even before Rob and I separated, I prayed for God to show me His view of the church, what it is and what He wants it to be. I have to say, my experience with the church during the last six months has left me sad and sick. That is NOT to say all CHRISTIANS have left me sad and sick. On the contrary, I have found deep love and grace in many Christians. I have also found that a lot of Christians have great hearts but little training for dealing with these kinds of situations. I get it. Before this, I did, too. I really hate hands-on training at times.
So instead of being angry--okay, instead of staying angry and hurt, I am asking the Lord what to do with this knew insight. And I keep asking a simple question, "How do I make Jesus relevant to a hurting world?"
I won't say I have all the answers, but this is what I know: a lot of people have taken a lot of time to email me or interogate me (maybe they didn't mean it that way, but it felt that way) about Rob's "selfishness" and "stupidity" and my "lack of faith" and "struggling because I'm not at church every Sunday" or in this group or that group. ONE person has made effort to contact Rob and reach out to him. ONE. In the Bible, I see Jesus slamming self-righteous Pharisees who act all pissy about folks not doing their temple-oriented duties, but I never see Him slam the hurting or broken. Instead, I see Him reaching out, connecting, seeking the lost.
I'VE SEEN A LOT OF PEOPLE SLAM ROB BUT ONLY ONE PERSON SEEK HIM.
I don't want to be a religious adherent who reads my Bible daily, spends an hour in prayer every morning, and warms a pew every week with my self-righteous butt but is too busy going to church and doing my duty to reach into a hurting broken world.
Cause I'm thinking if a person whose "Christianity" is nothing more than a list of 10 rules, a lot of talk about how I need Jesus or am going to hell, and parking their car in a church parking lot an hour or two a week doesn't impress me even though I believe in Jesus and know the difference He makes, what good will it do for a world that doesn't know Him and thinks He irrelevant.
In the last several months, not just since Rob and I have separated, I have been asking God what true, authentic Christianity looks like, not the middle-class stuff with the cushy pews, perfected worship music, ideal sound systems, and polished sermons. What does true, change the world Christianity look like? I don't have all the answers, but in the last six months, I've had a good chance to see some of what it is...and a lot of what it isn't. Here is some of what I have found.
Truth is, even before Rob and I separated, I prayed for God to show me His view of the church, what it is and what He wants it to be. I have to say, my experience with the church during the last six months has left me sad and sick. That is NOT to say all CHRISTIANS have left me sad and sick. On the contrary, I have found deep love and grace in many Christians. I have also found that a lot of Christians have great hearts but little training for dealing with these kinds of situations. I get it. Before this, I did, too. I really hate hands-on training at times.
So instead of being angry--okay, instead of staying angry and hurt, I am asking the Lord what to do with this knew insight. And I keep asking a simple question, "How do I make Jesus relevant to a hurting world?"
I won't say I have all the answers, but this is what I know: a lot of people have taken a lot of time to email me or interogate me (maybe they didn't mean it that way, but it felt that way) about Rob's "selfishness" and "stupidity" and my "lack of faith" and "struggling because I'm not at church every Sunday" or in this group or that group. ONE person has made effort to contact Rob and reach out to him. ONE. In the Bible, I see Jesus slamming self-righteous Pharisees who act all pissy about folks not doing their temple-oriented duties, but I never see Him slam the hurting or broken. Instead, I see Him reaching out, connecting, seeking the lost.
I'VE SEEN A LOT OF PEOPLE SLAM ROB BUT ONLY ONE PERSON SEEK HIM.
I don't want to be a religious adherent who reads my Bible daily, spends an hour in prayer every morning, and warms a pew every week with my self-righteous butt but is too busy going to church and doing my duty to reach into a hurting broken world.
Cause I'm thinking if a person whose "Christianity" is nothing more than a list of 10 rules, a lot of talk about how I need Jesus or am going to hell, and parking their car in a church parking lot an hour or two a week doesn't impress me even though I believe in Jesus and know the difference He makes, what good will it do for a world that doesn't know Him and thinks He irrelevant.
Monday, January 10, 2011
When God Repeats Himself
A few years ago I asked the Lord for His word for the year, and He gave me Isaiah 54. Fabulous chapter full of promises and wondrous things. I was so excited! Throughout the year, I prayed that chapter over my family and myself. I declared it aloud from my deck. I just knew there was going to be a major turn around in my life and all the wonderful things in that chapter would manifest because, after all, God cannot lie, so this was as good a done.
At the end of the year, none of it was done. In fact, instead of a year full of fulfilled promises, it was a painful year, one of the hardest up to that point. There were no no manifestations of promises, no major changes, no peace and healing...only confusion, disillusionment, and the harsh reality that I had somehow failed.
After all, God can't lie, but none of His promises had manifested, so the only conclusion to be drawn is that I had failed. Either I had done something wrong or I had not done something right, but somewhere along the way I messed up huge, and my mistake, or mistakes, had kept God's Word from manifesting.
As the beginning of the next year drew close, I asked for a Word. I was not remotely amused when the Lord gave me Isaiah 54 again. Maybe He was giving me a second chance to get it right. Surely I could find some consolation in that.
Except, I didn't get it right.
The year slipped by, and despite my fasting, praying, declaring, claiming, and warring in the Spirit, things continued to deteriorate. By the end of the year, I was beyond confused. Honestly, I felt like God had toyed with me for two years, holding out a carrot of hope, peace (and I desperately wanted peace instead of the constant mental and emotional turmoil), and healing. Instead of good things and increase, I was watching my world collapse around me, and nothing I did made a difference. Not only did God not fix it. He didn't tell me how to fix it. I didn't understand what God was doing, but I was no impressed. I didn't understand how a good God could make promises for which I had begged and then not keep His Word. What kind of Father promises the child their heart's desire for Christmas and then gives them an empty stocking? That's what I felt God had done.
Last night, I was praying about the children. My heart is broken for them as their hearts ache and they try to understand and make sense of things. I've seen my care-free, effervescent daughter struggle to trust God because she felt He made promises He has not kept. She wrestles with questions and anger and doubts.
I understand.
As I leaned over my kitchen sink and let the tears drip onto the white ceramic, I told God how concerned I am about the children's grief, hurt, and anger. I miss the joyous, easy going children they were seven months ago before their world collapsed around them. More than that, I worry about their healing and the effects on their futures.
This morning as I looked up the chapter to remind myself of the whole verse (you'd think I'd remember it after reading it virtually every day for two years, wouldn't you?), I again wondered what I had done wrong that the promises had not manifested, that two years had gone by without seeing the fulfillment of God's Word to me, and then I heard Him speak again.
I stopped and considered the promises He has spoken over the children and myself, the promises for our lives and our home, for our influences and our blessings. They are not small things. They are wondrous and "beyond your imagination"-sized. They are good, filled with hope, immersed in peace, and generous in healing.
I declared it as a law over you...and no other outcome has any measure to take place.
That is definitely worth repeating.
At the end of the year, none of it was done. In fact, instead of a year full of fulfilled promises, it was a painful year, one of the hardest up to that point. There were no no manifestations of promises, no major changes, no peace and healing...only confusion, disillusionment, and the harsh reality that I had somehow failed.
After all, God can't lie, but none of His promises had manifested, so the only conclusion to be drawn is that I had failed. Either I had done something wrong or I had not done something right, but somewhere along the way I messed up huge, and my mistake, or mistakes, had kept God's Word from manifesting.
As the beginning of the next year drew close, I asked for a Word. I was not remotely amused when the Lord gave me Isaiah 54 again. Maybe He was giving me a second chance to get it right. Surely I could find some consolation in that.
Except, I didn't get it right.
The year slipped by, and despite my fasting, praying, declaring, claiming, and warring in the Spirit, things continued to deteriorate. By the end of the year, I was beyond confused. Honestly, I felt like God had toyed with me for two years, holding out a carrot of hope, peace (and I desperately wanted peace instead of the constant mental and emotional turmoil), and healing. Instead of good things and increase, I was watching my world collapse around me, and nothing I did made a difference. Not only did God not fix it. He didn't tell me how to fix it. I didn't understand what God was doing, but I was no impressed. I didn't understand how a good God could make promises for which I had begged and then not keep His Word. What kind of Father promises the child their heart's desire for Christmas and then gives them an empty stocking? That's what I felt God had done.
Last night, I was praying about the children. My heart is broken for them as their hearts ache and they try to understand and make sense of things. I've seen my care-free, effervescent daughter struggle to trust God because she felt He made promises He has not kept. She wrestles with questions and anger and doubts.
I understand.
As I leaned over my kitchen sink and let the tears drip onto the white ceramic, I told God how concerned I am about the children's grief, hurt, and anger. I miss the joyous, easy going children they were seven months ago before their world collapsed around them. More than that, I worry about their healing and the effects on their futures.
Oh, God, do not leave them here, in this pain, with this distrust. Restore the joy of trust and hope. Restore the peace of knowing there are those who keep their word, who love without taking it back, who can be trusted with their hearts. Oh, God, return them to a place of peace and joy and faith.Immediately, I heard a line of a verse from Isaiah 54, "Great will be your children's peace."
This morning as I looked up the chapter to remind myself of the whole verse (you'd think I'd remember it after reading it virtually every day for two years, wouldn't you?), I again wondered what I had done wrong that the promises had not manifested, that two years had gone by without seeing the fulfillment of God's Word to me, and then I heard Him speak again.
"I said it twice because I wanted it established.
I didn't want it missed...by you...or anyone else.
When I speak, it is not merely to the earthly or the spiritual.
It is to both.
I said it twice because I wanted you to know what I will do for you
so you would have hope despite the present circumstances,
and I said it twice so the demons would know the rules and boundaries set up around you and your home.
I declared it as law over you,
and nothing can be done against it.
It is like a decree over your door that says these rules dictate acceptable behavior for and toward this home, person, and family. No other activity or outcome has any measure to take place."
I stopped and considered the promises He has spoken over the children and myself, the promises for our lives and our home, for our influences and our blessings. They are not small things. They are wondrous and "beyond your imagination"-sized. They are good, filled with hope, immersed in peace, and generous in healing.
I declared it as a law over you...and no other outcome has any measure to take place.
That is definitely worth repeating.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
THAT Kind of Courage--Part 1
New Year's Day started early with me in my recliner seeking God's heart. I asked what He wanted to talk about, and I figured He would give me a scripture to ponder or a country for which to pray, but instead, He said, "I want to talk about what I've already told you. I want you to really understand what I've already talked to you about. I REALLY want you to get the depth of what I mean by 'courage'."
I settled a bit deeper into my chair and said, "Then share with me and help me get it."
Without hesitation He said:
I settled a bit deeper into my chair and said, "Then share with me and help me get it."
Without hesitation He said:
"The courage I am calling you to
is not the kind of courage
that comes to the edge of a rock
on the side of a mountain
and leaps because there is no where else to go.
The courage I am calling you to
is the courage that
seeks out the rock to jump from
knowing when you jump,
you're going to fly."
Saturday, January 1, 2011
I Choose to Keep Breathing
Deep breath...tomorrow morning my mom isn't going to call me to tell me happy birthday...but I have two kids who only know it's my birthday, and they are committed to it being the best one ever...and it will be...I just have to keep breathing...
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