The last few days have been war here at the homestead. There have been four or five sizable assaults. While I'm annoyed, I'm not terribly surprised. Rob is in California this week. He thought the earthquake was cool. I'm not finding the shaking here as enjoyable.
Yesterday while the blasts exploded around us, I called my usual support group. Frankly, that only made things worse. Instead of rallying and praying, I heard, "Oh, that reminds me of my..." Friend, child, husband, family, church...fill in the blank with as many as you want because every time I tried to share my heart, it reminded folks of someone else, and they just had to talk about it. In the end, I got tired of hearing how much less important my heart and concerns were than everyone else and quit talking. I just listened silently. What was the point in talking? They obviously weren't listening anyway.
The friends I had turned to for help and aid in the midst of an assault became arsenal in the hands of the enemy.
And it hurt.
Last night I tried to pray through my anger, hurt, and anxiety, but instead, I just kept running into a wall. I tried to just let it go. God, however, wouldn't.
I cannot tell you how many times I woke up in the night with God goading me about my misery and my heart. Each time I answered Him with an angry response, and when He finally got all the anger peeled away, He asked the simplest question, "Don't you think I care about what is important to you?"
I wished I could say I did, but really, that is what all the pain was about. It was the pain of not feeling important, of not feeling like my heart was valuable, of not feeling like my concerns registered on anyone else's worthwhile meter.
I found myself praying something like this, "God, I want to believe you care, but it's hard when others--"
"So I'm now on their level?" He replied
"It's just that in the past there have been things like this that I really wanted, and you didn't bring them to pass."
"Did you really expect them, or did you curse them with your words? I don't care much for the word 'if". Do you believe I will or not? Maybe the issue was more with your belief than my willingness." He responded.
Okay, I can do something with that. I like that, actually. That means I can actively affect things, not manipulate, but free up blessings that the Father wants to give.
"It's just that in the big scheme of things, these things don't seem that big."
"Not big? They are keeping you awake at night and making you grumpy, and they made you cry. Do you care when your children cry? Do you care when they are so bothered that they can't sleep? Are you really trying to tell me you care more about your children than I do mine?"
Yeah, I can see where my suggesting that is just flat rude.
"So, obviously, I'm missing your heart. Can you remind me again?"
He spoke lovingly.
If something concerns you, tell me. I care about everything that affects you (1 Peter 5:7).
Tell me everything that is bothering you, and I will show you the solutions and how to deal with it. If it isn't for you to deal with, I'll give you grace and peace to get through, but there is nothing you have to deal with on your own (Psalm 55:22).
I know what I have planned for you. I've already been thinking about it. I've considered all the factors, and I have the perfect plan for you, and everything I have in store for you is good. My heart is not to harm you but to do good things for you and to give you hope and faith in who I am, my character, and my heart toward you. I want you to know I love you with a perfect love, and all those plans are because I have a destiny for you. All I do is to enable you to fulfill your destiny (Jeremiah 29:11).
I have not left you, and I won't. I don't care if you are sad or angry or doubting. I'm with you. I've committed to the long haul, and I don't go back on my word. I'm with you, and I'm staying here, so just hold onto me, and I'll get you through this (Deuteronomy 31:6).
And I don't care what the circumstances are, and I don't want you to either. There is no circumstance, no power, no plan, no person who will succeed against me. I am above all of those things, and they cannot stop me. Do not let them stop you from believing in me or being all I have declared you (Psalm 128:2).
Trust me. My heart is for you, and I care about everything you do because I love you.
And in case you are wondering, He loves you the same way.