Tonight there is stillness.
I am forcing myself to be still, to allow myself to think, to allow myself to feel.
It's a hard thing, this feeling...or drowning in so much feeling that I have gone numb.
The truth is I am simply standing in the midst of carnage, turning in circles, staring at the devestation. The sword I used to wield with such ferocity hangs limp from my hand, and instead of determination, I feel very little more than shock.
And I cannot truly believe what I see around me.
For months my goal has been to keep moving forward no matter what exploded around me or in front of me, and I have done that. However, today, I don't know what "forward" means. I don't even know what movement looks like. Settling Rob's estate? Getting the legal papers signed? Picking up his ashes and figuring out where to put them until we scatter them later? Paying off bills that have accrued? Waking up in the morning, getting out of bed, showering, and brushing my teeth?
When all of this started nine months ago, I told folks we were not "fine", but we were okay. It was hard, but we were going to get to the other side and flourish anyway. I'm not sure what other side we are supposed to get to, and I don't know what "okay" is anymore.
I'm not trying to give the impression that I'm hopeless. I'm not. I'm not depressed either. I'm just...
I have never felt so utterly stripped bare, undefined, and directionless.
I have never stood before God and been so completely at a loss. I have nothing, not even words. I can only stand before Him, stare confused, and shrug with a thousand unworded questions.
And all I really know is He is good.
And instead of being appalled by tears, He accepts them as worship because it is all I have to offer Him. It is what I have been reduced to...tearful trust in Him despite the pain.
TRUST IN THE LORD WITH (ALL YOUR BROKEN) HEART,This is worship.
and do not lean on your own (finite, pleasure seeking, comfort desiring) understanding.
In all your (broken, tear marked) ways, acknowledge Him (He is the only One who can or will make a difference),
and He will make your (seemingly devestating and dream destroying) paths straight.
It is not standing with hands high, songs filled with happy thoughts, and easy thankfulness for all the good things.
...the staring eyes filled with confusion and questions,
that choose to look to Him and not away,
even when the tears fall hot and the heart aches deep.
...the heart shattered
with nothing left of what it had hoped for
that turns to Him and whispers,
"I hope you can find me here."
Worship is not going to God because He feels good.
Worship is going to God
even when it hurts beyond one's wildest nightmares.
And I stand here...staring...aching...questioning...