Not Sleeping

It's after 3:30 am, and I am not sleeping. I don't sleep a lot right now. Haven't in...a long time. When I do sleep, it is sort of a doze with dreams, nothing really restful. I wake up a lot, look at the time on the clock a lot.

I still haven't figured out this sleeping alone gig, I guess.

Most of the time, I think that is what it really is, sleeping with someone for so many years and adjusting to sleeping alone. Sometimes, though, it's more.

Tonight my heart is heavy, and I have nowhere to put it.

Once again I am in a season of removal. Friends I've depended on are being removed, and I understand it. Goodness, I've done it enough in the last few years, especially the last twelve months. I know the signs. I know what is happening. I don't know how to handle it yet.

I don't know what to do when people need to be needed more than I really need them. And people who usually get told "everything" don't handle it well when I tell them, "I have nothing to say," even though that is really the truth. "Best friends" become distant acquaintances, and that doesn't go well either.

No explanation I give makes sense to them, and I end up being the bad, unstable, anger-projecting person who needs anti-depressants and the humility to ask forgiveness for being such a lousy friend and not letting people help me.

Really, it makes me want to go in the closet with my pillow and blanket and sleep until the firestorm is over.

I do know it is hard for them. I've been on that side. I've had to learn from both sides that seasons are seasons. For reasons God does not explain to me, some friends are good for one season and not for another. And some folks come in for a few months, make a huge impact, and are suddenly gone leaving me gasping for breath in the vacuum. "Best friends" suddenly become bothers over night. I don't know why or how. I just know it happens.

It is hard for those seasoned out because they don't understand.

It is hard for those changing seasons...because they aren't understood.

And the empty place is hard.

For the people being seasonsed out, they lose one person. For the person changing seasons, most of an address book may disappear before it is over. That's a pretty big empty place with a lot of nice folks on the peripheral but no one in the middle where I am.

And that's where I am.

I know this is temporary. I know God never creates a void He isn't planning to fill. I know.

I also know yesterday I tried to pull the pictures from the external storage Rob set up. I couldn't access them. I don't know if they are there or gone. If they are gone, four years of pictures are gone. For my son, that is over 1/3 of his life's pictures with his dad. For my daughter is nearly 1/3 of her life with her dad that is gone. I sat with electronics spread out around me and sobbed by myself. Who was I supposed to call? Who would really understand the magnitude of what could be lost for me? I honestly could think of no one.

Yesterday I texted some people asking for prayer, made the mistake of sharing my heart a bit, and then got a lot about how they understood because of their lives which had nothing to do with the issues I was having. I ended up deleting replies without reading them.

I already feel pretty much totally alone. Decided not to make it worse.

There's more, like some comments made at my family reunion that make me worry about my gene pool. My favorite was, "Well, look at it this way. It's not like Rob would have been here anyway." Wow! Thanks for the reminder that our divorce would have been final because he decided being single was more fun than keeping our family together. I feel SO much better now! Glad we had this talk.

Can I undo the family reunion? No, but really, I'm not feeling motivated to attend other family gatherings either.

Believe it or not, I'm not angry. I'm just...

Up at 4:30 am with a heavy heart, a box of kleenex, and a quickly shrinking address list.

..................................

When God tells me to write things like the above, I often ask why. I already dread the responses. I already dread the "you know I'm always here for you" statements that are self-defense cloaked in accusation, and while well-intended have not been true. I've been going through this for a year. I already know what to expect, and I dread the "I'm sorry you are still so sad and have had to go through this" statements.

I'm not sad, and I'm not sorry I had to go through this. I've hated it, but I've learned more about compassion, grace, and mercy than I ever could have in any other way. Frankly, I am sickened by the legalistic, mind-over-matter, if-you-just-get-the-spiritual-stuff-right-it'll-work manure I gave as responses to hurting hearts and broken lives before. How God didn't just slap me really hard or kill me then is beyond me. But He didn't. Instead, He allowed me to walk through hell, watch my life be burned up while I was there, and come out the other side shocked at the destruction, but more sure of His amazing mercy, compassion, and understanding than ever. I have seen aspects of God in the hell of the last year that I could have never seen on a cushy pew or at some home Bible study.

And I am not sorry.

I'll tell you why I think God wanted me to write this. I think there are people out there whose lives are coming apart at the seams, and you don't understand the stripping down, clearing out, and complete excavation of your lives. People around you are watching and auditioning for the starring roles of Job's friends. You are staring at God wondering what you've done and begging Him to just tell you so you can fix it. And where you are is hell, and you are wondering what you've done to make God so mad.

If that is you, let me tell you something. All these people being deleted from my email list, I don't think they are wrong, and I don't think I am wrong. I think we don't work together for this season, and God has no problem removing something good to give me something better. And that is not to say the new people or activities coming in are better than those going out. Those people and activities were great FOR THAT SEASON. God has new things and people that are better FOR THIS SEASON.

And, yes, there is going to be something new, and, yes, you should thank God for the new thing, but it's okay to say, "This is HARD, and it blooming HURTS!" Yes, it is, and, yes, it does.

Unfortunately, I have no insta-answer. What I can tell you is I'm going to get off my computer now, and I'm going to pray for whomever else is doze-sleeping, looking at the clock a lot, or just not sleeping at all, and, yes, I believe God knows that is you.

God knows it is hard, and He knows you hurt. I'm praying you find Him in the empty place, that He gives you a place to lay down your heavy heart...and I pray you get some sleep.


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I FOUND THE PICTURES!!!!!

For all of you who prayed, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

United We Stand--Prayer for our Families

Our family is in a time of change, as many of you are. The purpose of change is growth. The Bible tells us many times that we should rejoice in the changes, both easy and difficult, because the Lord is using them to mature us. God brings about change for our good.

Satan, on the other hand, wants to use change to divide us. Many people in the process of divorce say simply, "We've grown apart." I've now been married over 17 years, and what I have come to realize is that statement is truly saying, "We lacked the vision, the desire, the wisdom, or the selflessness required to change together." And Satan capitalized on it.

I have a few strategies and simple truths to remember for going through changes that I have found keep us pretty solid.
1. My vision is for us to come out the other side closer to each other and to the Lord than we were when we started.
2. Grace, grace, and more grace. Ask for it and give it. Moods, tones, and patience will waiver. Don't take it personally. Offer grace.
3. Ask forgiveness. No one else is responsible for the waivering of my moods, tones, and patience. I am responsible for those things, and I am responsible for repair work when they are damaging.
4. Remember I won't get everything I think I want.
5. I don't know the purpose or the destiny, so I better stay really close to the One who does.
6. I cannot pray for my family enough, not that they will do what I think they should, but that we will serve God as a unit embracing the work God does in us as individuals.

This morning I am praying scripture from Philippians 2 over us. Since I know so many who are fighting for their families or simply desiring to walk through change with wisdom and power, I am sharing my prayer with you.

Father, thank you for the gift of salvation that unites us with Christ. Thank you for all the promises that are yes and amen in Him. Thank you that you have promised godly change in our lives as a result of being united with your Son through the blood shed for us on the cross, through His death and resurrection. Thank you for the encouragement you've given us. Thank you for the comfort from His love and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit that leads us into all truth and works in us according to your will and purpose to bring about your glory and life eternal within us. Thank you for the tenderness and compassion you pour out on us. You are the perfect Father, and you pour out only good things. The circumstances and changes in our lives are for our good, to give us hope and a future, and we know this because all good and perfect gifts come from you. You cannot do evil, but rather you make ways for us to escape the evil one and the temptation he lays before us. Thank you, Lord God.

Father, complete our joy by making us like-minded. Show us your vision that we can be in agreement with you. Give us your heart for each other and for your world. Show Rob, Anna, Robert, and me how we can love and minister to each other and to those around us. Increase in us your love. Work in us that we would become one in Spirit and purpose. If we are acting out of selfishness or vain conceit, show us. Lead us to repentance. Do not let the enemy have a foothold in our lives, but show us how we can love with abandon as you do. Gives us hearts that serve humbly. Show us how to love others as you do. Love others through us. Help us to consider others better than ourselves, and when our flesh rises up and wants the easy road, the cushy road, or the convenient road, convict us and nag us until we turn from the ways of the world and flesh and turn to your ways. In your ways is life, and we want to be life givers.

Father, forgive us for being concerned about self, what we will get out of things, and whether things are "fair" or "equal". Forgive us for being so short-sighted and small-minded that we don't realize or we refuse to see that when others excel and are blessed, so are we. Show us how to bless others and encourage them to do great things for you. Show us how we can be part of the equipping that enables them to accomplish all you have declared over you. There is no greater joy than to see your children being all you desire them to be. Remind us of that because we easily forget.

Give us your heart, and help us to remember Jesus' joy came in serving you with abandon and making a difference in the lives of others, not in living the convenient or easy life. Put into us the desire to be like Him in every way, to give without expecting anything back. Father God, help us to remember all we have is really yours. Our time, our money, our mouths, our hands, our bodies, our very lives. Show us how to use YOUR resources for YOUR glory. Help us to remember investing in others takes time--time TVs, computers, various escapisms steal. Convict us where we waste time, money, gifts. Show us how to be the best stewards of your resources we can. Show us how to invest in the peopl in our families and to those around us.

Thank you for being the One who goes before us and behind us. Thank you for leading us through the changes and leading us back to your way when we wander off into our selfishness and small-sighted ambition. Forgive us for the ways we've sinned against you and each other. Lead us in the ways everlasting for your name's sake, and to you be all glory, power, and honor forever.

Amen.

Different

Well, I have been avoiding my blog because I couldn't figure out how to make the title appear again. I changed from the old version to the new, and my titles disappeared. Being the computer semi-literate that I am, I spent an obnoxious amount of time trying to fix it only to end up muttering under my breath while threatening the safety of an inanimate object. THEN, this incredibly handsome (and smart, I also love him for his brains) man I live with took a look at it, and two minutes later, he hands me my computer with title intact. Just another reason I thank God that wonderful man's title is My Husband.

Anyway, isn't it funny where a week can take you? I'll level with you. I was struggling last week. Physically I was exhausted. My children had been sick with a respiratory thing going around. My son required a middle-of-the-night trip to the ER to deal with a double ear infection that left him screaming in pain. About the time they were sleeping well and we weren't alternating between steamy bathrooms and the deck where it was a nice 60% humidity and mid-30s temp, My Husband got hit. Now, WonderMan (and he is) is not whimp. The whole thing about how men are babies when they are sick does not apply to Wonder Man. This stuff knocked him for a loop. Usually, if the kids are sick, one of us will go to church and the other stays home with the kids. The kids still weren't up for church, and Rob was not up to taking care of them, not even sitting up and watching a movie. My Man was sick. It took about three days for him to breathe without being wheezy, and then...yep...I got it. I don't think I've been as sick as anyone else in the family, but my head has hurt, and breathing has been challenging. So, physically, I was exhausted.

Mentally, I was exhausted. Mental and physical exhaustion are hard to separate as you most likely know.

Emotionally, I don't even have an adjective. The only thing that came to mind was "raw", but I think I was pretty shut down. Granted, I was very easily affected, but is that really "raw"?

Spiritually, well, spiritually is always what seems to determine how much the first three interact, and I have to say the interaction wasn't good. Now, I didn't say I wasn't in a good place spiritually. Sometimes you can be a in good place and it still be hard. When a person is pouring forth before God and seeking the Lord and the Lord is doing a mighty work of healing or cleaning or drawing or really any kind of speaking, it can be intense. I have had a few really intense weeks.

Thankfully, I finally got a breakthrough that totally rocked me today. I've been struggling in an area, and I couldn't figure out the root. I had pretty much shut down in a lot of ways, and I couldn't pinpoint the cause. I didn't know where it had started, and I wasn't sure how to come out of it. Well, yesterday I felt like the Lord gave me the strategy for coming out of it, and today I started implementing it in faith. The Lord honored that, and today He revealed the source of the issue and then confirmed it by bringing to mind a pointed prophetic word of healing I received last fall. So now, I am sleepy but beaming. Truly, it is amazing the difference a week makes.

Actually, you know what? The week had nothing to do with it. The issue started over a year ago. A week did not break the hold. The real truth is what a difference an encounter with God makes. If you've ever been at a place of desperation where He intervened, you know what I mean. If you are pouring out before Him and pleading for help and are waiting, you know what I mean. If you have never known that kind of desperation or that kind of passionate seeking or if you've never had that kind of encounter with God, you need one. When you've had one, you'll know what I mean. There is nothing like it, and you won't be like you are after you've had it.

Isn't it glorious the difference an encounter with God can make?

Praying that wherever you are and whatever you need you will have the encounter with God that makes the difference....