My Journal Uncensored--Emotionally Unavailable

"I am emotionally damaged and emotionally unavailable."

His words roll around in my head like that annoying drippy faucet that can't be turned off. It's annoying and grates on my nerves...and is oddly comforting.

It is comforting to have a term, some kind of defined explanation. It is also wildly comforting in a mental/emotional "raft up" kind of way. Ironic how another emotionally unavailable person can release emotions of joyous contentment in my not being alone in this.

It also bothers me in deep ways I don't want to explain, in vulnerable ways that pull back the "all is fine" mask and reveals the all too raw places underneath.

Frankly, the whole thing makes me mad.

It makes me mad that I gave him power to do this. It makes me made that I still give him that power.

But how do I take it back?

Heather said she knows several women who think the way to get over one man is to get under another.

Just how much nameless sex does it take to stop feeling like your name is painfully easy to forget?

Or in some cases, before you stop feeling at all?

Since I seem to already be there, I think I can skip the whole sex debacle and be fairly confident I haven't missed anything.

I may not have all the answers, but one thing I do know, a man getting in my pants and a man getting behind my walls is not the same thing.

And ultimately, I want him behind my walls.

Ultimately, I want to trust again.

Ultimately, I want the wild ride of passion...about all of life...again.

Ultimately, I want to feel deeply, where right now I feel mostly numb.

Ultimately, I want to love fearlessly, knowing I can invest huge and watch it all walk away if someone decides I am not enough...or they aren't...

Ultimately, it isn't about a man finding his way behind my walls.
It's about my not wanting to be a prisoner inside them.

Left Behind Bones and Expected Adventures

The thank you notes are finished.

Some of the notes are hand-written, personal with a name. Some are typed "form letters" filled with heart-deep sincerity and gratitude. One person said not to worry about writing notes at all because people would understand and if they didn't, oh well. I confess that thought crossed my mind, but I am hoping, even the typed twenty-copy note will let people know their kindness had an impact. I hope it encourages them to love someone else as generously as they loved us. I hope it fortifies them against the enemy's words that whisper their efforts don't matter....because they did...and they do...

So, I typed some notes. Hand wrote others.

I cried. Not as hard as I was afraid I would, but still, I cried.

Yes, some of the tears were because Rob is gone. Some tears, though, were because of new goodbyes and fresh letting go.

Notes from friends we enjoyed twenty years ago that we have not seen in the last ten, words of "Let's get together sometime." I answer, "Yes, let's. That would be nice." It probably would be, but I know. We won't. And it isn't them, and it isn't me. It's just...time...

Time to let go...

It's like in my mind I see myself setting these rafts of "stuff" loose on the tide, watching them float away.  It is easy to cling to them because to let them go could leave me with nothing...except I don't believe God leaves anyone with nothing...at least not anyone who chooses to let go of things that no longer give life and embrace things that do. One may keep a pile of dead bones in a treasury, go in and talk to them every day, remember the life that was, but they are still dead bones. Taking them out of the treasury and making room for something new does not make them more dead...it only makes me open to more life.

And today I sealed envolopes and mailed them away just like tombs sealed and left behind, and I cried...

...and I smiled...

...and I wondered what new life...new people...new adventures...

the Lord has for me next.

Senseless Worship

Psalm 115
1 Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.
2 Why do the nations say,
"Where is their God?"
3 Our God is in heaven;
he does whatever pleases him.
4 But their idols are silver and gold,
made by the hands of men.
5 They have mouths, but cannot speak,
eyes, but they cannot see;
6 they have ears, but cannot hear,
noses, but they cannot smell;
7 they have hands, but cannot feel,
feet, but they cannot walk;
nor can they utter a sound with their throats.
8 Those who make them will be like them,
and so will all who trust in them.
9 O house of Israel, trust in the LORD—he is their help and shield.
10 O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD—he is their help and shield.
11 You who fear him, trust in the LORD—he is their help and shield.
12 The LORD remembers us and will bless us:
He will bless the house of Israel,
he will bless the house of Aaron,
13 he will bless those who fear the LORD—small and great alike.
14 May the LORD make you increase, both you and your children.
15 May you be blessed by the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
16 The highest heavens belong to the LORD,
but the earth he has given to man.
17 It is not the dead who praise the LORD,
those who go down to silence;
18 it is we who extol the LORD,
both now and forevermore.
Praise the LORD.

I am not one for posting scripture. Frankly, most of the time if I read a blog or devotional, I skim the scripture and read the newly written thoughts on it. However, as I was asking the Lord what to write tonight (since I've written two lengthy entries only to erase them), I had the wild idea of posting scripture. When I opened Bible Gateway, it was already to Psalm 115, which is a chapter the Lord has had me in this week. Throughout the week different parts have caught my attention. Tonight something new caught my eye.

Notice with the idols their nose, mouth, ears, and eyes don't work. They have no sense. The question struck me: what senseless things are in my life?

Maybe the Lord would have you ask the same thing. I'll let y'all work that out. For now, I need to talk to Him about that question. I'm sure He has some insight He'd like to share.

Have a glorious and sensible day learning to be like Jesus!