I Need

I just got a solid reprimand from a friend of mine. We've been friends since junior high, and we love each other...Sometimes love is hard.

Today he asked me how I would feel if I saw someone hurting badly, someone in need of help, but I could do nothing. He knows how I would feel. He knows that is my nightmare. He then said, "Jerri, I'm looking at you, and I can't help."

And he hates it.

Me, too.

It is a hard thing to feel like I'm looking out a glass window and there is no way to let anyone in, and I'm afraid to try to let anyone in because I'm afraid they will walk in and immediately start trying to clean things up and make it presentable according to their standards...according to what their life circumstances are...or  what ours used to be...who I used to be. And all that does is make me add another lock to my door and draw the curtain a bit tighter on the window.

Thus, the reprimand...with a confession. "I don't know what to do. Tell me what you need."

What do I need?

I need someone who will let me lean on them and cry without their trying to fix it or make me feel better or in some way make the tears stop. I need to lean on someone who will let me cry until I simply have no more tears

I need to be held close so I can melt...without having to worry about someone's agenda.

I need someone to sit with me and listen while I pour out my heart...as tangential and wandering as it may be.

I need people to quit telling me, "You need to..." when they obviously have no clue who I am or what settles my soul. Starbucks is just an overpriced cup of coffee in a loud environment with uncomfortable chairs. Coffee from a thermos outside under the stars is a lot cheaper and far more soothing to the soul.

I need a day on the water where I am only along for the ride and don't have to think.

I need a friend who likes what I like. It is really pretty depressing to fish, camp, kayak, hike, play pool, paint, and...alone.

I need to not hear, "You just need to get laid," anymore. Really? There are people getting laid all the time who are utterly miserable. Nameless sex would really make me feel better after the complete rejection I have felt since long before Rob left? (I will stop there. The next few sentences were...perhaps more honest than any of us really need.)

I need to breathe, not just breathe and get through the day or the situation or the moment...but breathe...and not feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for the next knock on my door in the middle of the night or the next person who isn't going to be talking to me but doesn't tell me that or explain why or the next person who just wants me fixed so they can feel better. I'm tired of holding my breath.

I need to just be touched...and for it to be okay...and not to feel like I have to be guarded because someone is going to question my motives or morals because I like the feel of a touch. Today someone touched me on the back. It was one of those I'm-here-and-I-don't-want-to-surprise-you-or-hurt-either-of-us-if-you-move kind of touches. Solid. Safe. Innocuous. Even with the intense situation we were in, I felt my whole body respond. It was like the gasp of air its been wanting. It wasn't sexual. It was just...what I had been needing.

I need to get out of the eggshell realm. I'm tired of people being afraid to move or breathe or touch me because they might make me think of something sad. I'm tired of people being afraid they will say or do the wrong thing. The reality is at some point we all say or do the wrong thing...even in "normal" life. We hurt people's feelings, say things that are filtered in a hurtful way, act selfishly, or try to help and end up hurting. That is the normal course of human beings. Yes, I'm raw, and that leaves a bigger chance of injury. Yes, I'm going to remember, be sad, cry, hurt beyond words, and even lash out in anger...I will also laugh, smile, thank God, and apologize...because sometimes it isn't about you, and I really am sorry. I am also pro-relationship, and if I trust your heart, I'm going to work it out with you. I need you to have enough faith in me to believe I will trust your heart and value you enough to walk through the pain for our friendship. Besides, my greatest sadness is that I don't feel I have anyone who wants to be close to me, that it is easier for people to stay on the other side of the window instead of coming in, moving laundry off the couch, and sitting with me...even if that is sitting in silence on the floor.

I started to say I need some alone time. Except when I am alone, all I see is the void and what isn't anymore, and I sit there, stare into the darkness, and feel overwhelmed by the loss. And, honestly, I'm alone all the time. What I need is someone who is courageous and unafraid of building in a void, and I need them courageous enough to build *my* new world, not theirs, and sometimes that will mean doing things they've never done. Sometimes it'll mean doing things neither of us have ever done...and finding the adventure exciting...even if the end result isn't what we expected.

I need someone...a group of some ones...to find me valuable enough to meet those needs.

And as I write this...as I force my fingers to write that last sentence...my heart is pounding, and I want to vomit...because what if no one does?

****I have chosen to write this post not only to express my needs, but for others...
...who have the same needs...and need someone to give them words...
...and for those who have no words but want to help...

For all of you, may God bless you...****

Different

Well, I have been avoiding my blog because I couldn't figure out how to make the title appear again. I changed from the old version to the new, and my titles disappeared. Being the computer semi-literate that I am, I spent an obnoxious amount of time trying to fix it only to end up muttering under my breath while threatening the safety of an inanimate object. THEN, this incredibly handsome (and smart, I also love him for his brains) man I live with took a look at it, and two minutes later, he hands me my computer with title intact. Just another reason I thank God that wonderful man's title is My Husband.

Anyway, isn't it funny where a week can take you? I'll level with you. I was struggling last week. Physically I was exhausted. My children had been sick with a respiratory thing going around. My son required a middle-of-the-night trip to the ER to deal with a double ear infection that left him screaming in pain. About the time they were sleeping well and we weren't alternating between steamy bathrooms and the deck where it was a nice 60% humidity and mid-30s temp, My Husband got hit. Now, WonderMan (and he is) is not whimp. The whole thing about how men are babies when they are sick does not apply to Wonder Man. This stuff knocked him for a loop. Usually, if the kids are sick, one of us will go to church and the other stays home with the kids. The kids still weren't up for church, and Rob was not up to taking care of them, not even sitting up and watching a movie. My Man was sick. It took about three days for him to breathe without being wheezy, and then...yep...I got it. I don't think I've been as sick as anyone else in the family, but my head has hurt, and breathing has been challenging. So, physically, I was exhausted.

Mentally, I was exhausted. Mental and physical exhaustion are hard to separate as you most likely know.

Emotionally, I don't even have an adjective. The only thing that came to mind was "raw", but I think I was pretty shut down. Granted, I was very easily affected, but is that really "raw"?

Spiritually, well, spiritually is always what seems to determine how much the first three interact, and I have to say the interaction wasn't good. Now, I didn't say I wasn't in a good place spiritually. Sometimes you can be a in good place and it still be hard. When a person is pouring forth before God and seeking the Lord and the Lord is doing a mighty work of healing or cleaning or drawing or really any kind of speaking, it can be intense. I have had a few really intense weeks.

Thankfully, I finally got a breakthrough that totally rocked me today. I've been struggling in an area, and I couldn't figure out the root. I had pretty much shut down in a lot of ways, and I couldn't pinpoint the cause. I didn't know where it had started, and I wasn't sure how to come out of it. Well, yesterday I felt like the Lord gave me the strategy for coming out of it, and today I started implementing it in faith. The Lord honored that, and today He revealed the source of the issue and then confirmed it by bringing to mind a pointed prophetic word of healing I received last fall. So now, I am sleepy but beaming. Truly, it is amazing the difference a week makes.

Actually, you know what? The week had nothing to do with it. The issue started over a year ago. A week did not break the hold. The real truth is what a difference an encounter with God makes. If you've ever been at a place of desperation where He intervened, you know what I mean. If you are pouring out before Him and pleading for help and are waiting, you know what I mean. If you have never known that kind of desperation or that kind of passionate seeking or if you've never had that kind of encounter with God, you need one. When you've had one, you'll know what I mean. There is nothing like it, and you won't be like you are after you've had it.

Isn't it glorious the difference an encounter with God can make?

Praying that wherever you are and whatever you need you will have the encounter with God that makes the difference....