I Don't Understand

Isaiah 40:28-29

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

I used to think God was disgusted when I struggled or stumbled or failed. I used to think He stared at me with the attitude that if I just had enough faith or loved Him enough or was committed enough I wouldn't do those things or I would pull myself up and be strong enough or faithful enough...or good enough. I used to think He was totally appalled by my weakness.

Now I realize He sees my weakness as a chance to rush in and tell me through His fighting on my behalf and His rescuing me, sometimes even from myself, how much He loves me and adores me and wants me. He doesn't see me as a failure. He sees me as valuable beyond words.

It is true. How the God of the universe who is perfection incarnate and never waivers understands me, my weaknesses, and my failures...nope, I don't fathom it.

But I love it. :-)

Unlawful Grace

I understand law. I understand rules. I understand black and white.

What I don't understand is grace.

I have spent the last two months trying to come to grips with the law, my responsibility according to rules, and trying to live in the black and white. I have tried to squeeze myself into the boxes defined by the law and found myself dying there.

I am not saying the law is wrong. I am just confessing either my humanity is too strong or my faith is too weak. I am confessing that I have failed...and am failing. I can't do this.

I am left outside the law wondering what happens to people like me, people who simply aren't skilled enough or determined enough or able to lie well enough to fit into the "with Christ all things are possible" picture. What about us?

What about me?

The truth is I know God hates divorce. Me too. I know the vows I took...for better or for worse. I know my responsiblity to my children. I know the covenant I made. I know...my job. And I believe if I do my job, it opens the door for God to redeem, restore, and heal. However, for reasons I will not discuss, I find it impossible to do my job. I have spent weeks trying to figure out to do my job better, how to make myself conform. I can't, though. I simply cannot perform to the standards of the law. If I do my job well, I open the door for blessings. If I don't do it well, then what?

Then...grace.

"21But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— 26he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus. 27Where, then, is boasting? It is excluded. On what principle? On that of observing the law? No, but on that of faith. 28For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law."--Romans 3

Grace--The divine favor toward man; the mercy of God, as distinguished from His justice; also, any benefits His mercy imparts; divine love or pardon; a state of acceptance with God; enjoyment of the divine favor. (http://1913.mshaffer.com/d/search/_words.word,grace )

The state of acceptance with God.

Is it really possible to be a failure and be acceptable to God?

Honestly, that thought does not fit into my black and white world. Grace has always been what allowed God to overlook the failures on my way to getting it right once I was right, but what about along the road? What covers me while I'm on the way to getting it right or simply doing the best I can at the moment? What happens when I go crashing down the face of K2...again...and lie at the bottom battered and bleeding, ready to give up, knowing I don't have what it takes to reach the summit? What then?

Grace...not lawful grace, not the kind that is dependent on knowing I can or will get it right, but unlawful grace, the grace that steps outside the law, covering me with the blood of Christ, even when I keep getting it wrong.

It's that unlawful grace that says, "With Christ all things--despite my failure and humanness...despite his--are possible with Christ." It is that amazing unlawful grace that allows me to believe my children will be blessed, whole, and flourishing instead of being the lifelong wounded emotional wastelands people tell me they will be. It is the same grace that tells me God can still use me to make a difference in lives, can use my writing to impact the world. The same grace tells me even when we are not strong enough or capable enough to keep promised vows we can build a foundation of safety and security for our children.

Grace that all things are possible...in my brokenness...in my weakness...in his...

Grace that even when I am not good enough all He is and all He can do...is still more than enough.

Effortless

When it's done right, it looks effortless.


Quite possibly my favorite part of the Olympics, couples figure skating is a picture of beauty. As the couples dance together on the ice in perfectly unity, it is easy to watch them and be enamoured by their perfection. To me, it is nothing less than breathtaking.


I camp out on my couch, turn down the lights, and get lost in the perfection of two people who move together as one, whose perfection is in their partnership. I am enthralled by their excellence. The precision amazes me.


And they make it look so easy. It is as though they have always been so amazing, as though they entered this world with skates on their feet and flawless lines programmed into their limbs. In fact, these examples of grace learned to walk by falling down and getting back up. The elegant lines were proceeded by ugly bruises and hot tears. Those heart-stopping lifts were cultivated through the furnace of falling and getting back up...one more time. Their unity is the result of hours of practicing oneness, moving together, working out the bumps and awkwardness, learning trust, learning to move as one.


There are times I look at Christians I know, spiritual peers whom I admire, and I am caught up in their seemingly flawless Christian walk. I watch their spiritual dance of unity with God, and I become enthralled by the perfection of their relationship. It looks as though they never make a mistake, which is pretty discouraging on its own, but they make it look like they've always had the closeness I see now, and that can be really discouraging.


The truth is, though, I only see them a fraction of the time. I don't see them in their quiet time, on their face, tears dripping from their chins as they seek strength to endure the fire that surrounds them. I don't know their repentance of yesterday's sins. I don't see their hearts or the wounds from the latest assault that may have even come in the form of friendly fire.


I see the matured selves, the ones that have grown from the struggle of learning to tune their ears to the Father's voice, repeatedly putting themselves on the altar, and painfully killing flesh until Jesus shows more than they do. I see the walk that has come from stumbling in faith, falling, repenting, and receiving grace. A walk that has grown steadier by finding mercy and being forgiven. A walk that is not perfect but a heart that is perfectly set on God's faithfulness.


These are not perfect people doing a perfect dance. They are real people, who take real falls, who feel real pain. They are people who do train for excellence and do the best they can, who can get it beautifully right or painfully wrong on any given day. They are people who do not put faith in their performance but in God's grace.


Ultimately, though, it is not the precision of the performance that fascinates me. It is knowing the imperfections the couples...and the Christians...have faced and overcome that keeps my attention. It is their courage to work through the fatigue, endure the pain, ignore the voices of failure, and learn from past falls that inspires me. I cannot help but be encouraged when I see these people of excellence doing the best they can and trust that no matter what the outcome, they will have done enough. It isn't their perfection that I admire.


No, I watch them because I want to learn their ability to walk in unity...


...and it look so effortless.

Ponder: Grace

"I think anyone who is not fantastically amazed by grace does not truly understand it." -- Jerri Phillips

Perfect Grace

My eyes pop open--wide open. Dark. I glance at the clock. 5:00. 5:00? I roll over and close my eyes. Sleep doesn't come. In fact the only thing that comes is a whisper in my mind, "I want to talk to you about grace."

Grace?

"Grace."

At 5:00 a.m.?

While I am sure this conversation can wait until the sun is up, obviously God feels differently, so I crawl out of bed and close my bedroom door behind me so my husband can continue his slumber. With coffee in hand, I sit in my recliner and prepare to hear about grace.

For a few weeks now, I have not enjoyed living with me, and I am quite sure no one else has either. I have been stressed to an extreme level trying to get things done. To be quite honest, the expectations I've put on myself and others are just unrealistic, and I know it. It's not just expecting "big" things to be done that aren't. It's the absurd overreaction to small things. Crumbs on the counter. Toys left on the floor. Bathrooms not picked up to my liking. Shoes left for me to trip over instead being put in the closet. Everyday things that don't make a difference after today that turn me into a tyrant that inflicts verbal wounds that can last a lifetime. Perfectionism run amuck.

Last night I went to bed in its strangle hold, hardly able to breath, knowing it is sucking the life out of me, my relationships, and my home. A simple prayer choked out from under the shame and discouragement: "God, find me. Help me. Deliver me. Deliver all of us."

And this morning, He wants to talk to me about grace...what it is not...what it is. I listen and breath in the life He offers, not through definitions or high theology, but in small words and simple terms, in emotions and life samples I can understand.

Grace is not perfectionism.
Grace is not unrealistic expectations.
Grace is not humility and shame when I do something wrong.
Grace is not being remembered for something stupid I did in high school or college or even yesterday.
Grace is not having to live up to my bad choices.
Grace is not being imprisoned by the mistakes I make.

Grace is God's knowing that I am going to make mistakes--some of them huge--and His providing ahead of time for me to live beyond the limitations of those mistakes. Grace allows me to be the person I want to be, not the person I've been. It allows me to look to the future with hope instead of at the past with shame.

Grace knows I'm going to step on some folks' toes, literally and figuratively, and it allows me to be brave when I am right and humble when I am wrong. Grace makes no pretention of perfection. In fact, grace is the Truth that says perfection is a myth and a mental and emotional prison to which the Lord never wanted me bound. It acknowledges imperfection is a way of life in this human condition but provision has been made that allows perfectly wonderful things to happen anyway.

Grace says the toothpaste tube can be squeezed from the end or the middle, that small forks and big forks dumped into the same divider is okay, curling up in blankets and reading to children is more important than a spotless floor, a grumpy cashier doesn't mean a ruined day, and plans gone awry may be God's plan to put a blessing in my path.

Grace gives freedom to me to do my best and know it'll be enough, not because of my perfection, but because His pefect grace is sufficient to carry me from there.

Copyright Jerri Phillips 2009

Amazing Grace

Last week a lady on one of my email loops commented that she hates when people use bad grammar and spelling in emails or posts to the loop. Several ladies responded with grace and suggested she consider that emails and posts are usually quickly typed communication of thoughts and not reviewed or formal correspondance.

In the course of the thread, there was conversation about pet peaves and weaknesses and the honesty of imperfection. For some of us, we interpreted the new direction as just general topic. Then somone--a woman of God with discernment and wisdom--interrupted and suggested we consider the impact of our ongoing conversation on others' feelings.

I reacted to her words with sarcasm and rejection. Not one of my finer moments. In fact, it was just flat ugly. Then I decided not to send the reply. However, in a moment of shock and shame, I saw my little cursor click on the "Send" button, and in a breath, the email was gone, unretrievable. At first I stared, mortified, at my computer screen. Then I put my head in my hands and cringed.

My response was horrible. It was shameful, and it was gone.

I don't know how long I sat there before I composed another email. An apology, and I typed and prayed the Lord would give the woman the heart to forgive my reprehensible comments.

The next morning, I sat outside having my quiet time, feeling ashamed. How could I be so...ugh? And as I sat there wallowing in pathetic-ness, I felt the Lord so close to me, and He said, "People will learn from you." Honestly, that is very honoring, but I'm hoping someone can learn from me without my having to do a Peter impersonation as an object lesson.

I tried to focus on my prayer time, but I wasn't sure how the woman of God had reacted to my email, and I didn't know when she would get my apology, and I didn't want her under the cloud of my stupidity. Fainlly, I checked email...and found a reply. She had graciously forgiven me, offering her own apology for her words. We were okay. I was relieved to be forgiven for being a stupid heel.

Because the offense had been public, I felt it appropriate to apologize publicly, and her response was public. The Lord restored peace for all to see, and I was so thankful. Maybe somone would learn from it.

Then I got another email, actually everyone on the loop did. An incredibly gracious woman complimented us on resolving our conflict and blessed us for it. She said some very nice things. I was stunned and so humbled. Humbled to be used by God. Humbled to be called godly by apologizing for something I should never have said. I don't know that "humble" even describes it. I don't know how to describe it. It is an amazement beyond words.

Over the next few days we had a few discussions about opinion and jugment, and I referred to the situation between the woman of God and myself. I hoped it would be an obvious example of two people with good and well-meaning hearts who have ugly moments and choose restoration over offense. I hoped it would demonstrate the importance of God's working in us to show Himself when our humanness is far too obvious.

I don't know if it did or not. I hope so.

Then tonight I returned home from a birthday party with the children and checked my email. I had another email from the woman of God who gave a solid word of correction at the right time, and she apologized again for any hurt she caused. It was so sincere, and I replied to assure her that we are fine, and we are. I admire her and her heart.

Then, I got an email from her that just...I just started to cry. Her words were so kind, so life-giving, so affirming and so gracious, so undeserved. I just started to cry. I'm crying now as I write about it.

In a tender voice, the Lord spoke to me. "You've asked me to give you understanding about the difference between performing well and grace. This is grace."

Grace. The life and blessing I surely don't deserve given by the very person I offended.

Yes, that is grace, and honestly, it is still more than I can understand, but I receive it with deepest gratitude, and I am thankful for the woman of God who had the heart to show me exactly what it looks like.

Honored to be her sister in Christ...