My Journal Uncensored--God's Silence

(Journal entries from late November 2011)

I am overwhelmed. I am staring at God wondering how He tolerates me..and completely overcome by His love for me.

"He is jealous for me.
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
O, how He loves us so
O, how He loves us
O, how He loves us so"

(How He Loves by David Crowder)

I have felt--abandoned.

There is a difference between feeling unloved and abandoned.

I don't doubt God loves me, but I confess I feel for whatever reason, He has left me to simply endure or learn some hard lesson or--I don't know. I only know He is silent, and silence when my pain rages and He has power to act only feels like abandonment.

I have begged for help with all the things where I feel overwhelmed, and I know He has given me answers about some of them, but I get so overwhelmed by everything else. I don't know how to deal with it all, and some days are so full of so much that I simply dread facing them.

This week, especially yesterday, I have been so angry. All these promises, and I am seeing nothing.

And I can do nothing else.

I feel like a failure across the board, and I can't find answers. Don't know where else to look.

But God has promised good things? So where are they?