Is it selfish to hide out here...alone...hoping You will invade my space?
Is it wisdom that drives me from the cocaphony caused by too many days with too little of You to a large green chair, open window, and closed door?
If I open the window, will You open heaven and meet me somewhere in the middle, even if "middle" is two feet from here where my knees sit on carpet and my battered heart beats arrhythmically in my chest? Will You come so far to meet me? You, the One who went to a cross, will you come here?
If You would...
Will You find me beneath the to-do list that never gets all done and the sadness of what I think I would like to do but never find time for?
Would You breathe life into a body fatigued by a long day's work and a mind heavy with wondering if what I am doing is truly accomplishing the intangibles that are the most important?
Would You care if my tears of the day...of the week...of this season...stained Your perfect robe with my imperfections? The imperfect balance of time? Imperfect priorities that swing between Spirit and flesh? Imperfect attitudes that are so easy to see spill from the hearts before me and so easy to justify in mine?
But today, I don't want to justify. I don't want to give excuse. I don't want anything this flesh can conjour up. I want freedom from the insane expectations, the insane overreactions, the insane weight of it all. My own insanity drives me to solitary places, dead places, tombs for dreams, relationships, identity. But You are not afraid of insanity, and the tomb must offer up its prize to Your hands.
Find me here...You alone are the Life I crave. You alone are the sanity of all this.
I am in desperate need...
...and You come...
Life to my weary soul.
I am not alone.
You smile, arms open to embrace me, and say, "Child, you never were."
Copyright Jerri Phillips 2009