Just a Word

Around the middle of December, I start praying and asking the Lord for a new word, some phrase, statement, or verse to serve as a foundation for my thinking and actions for the next year.

This year I really didn’t want to ask. Honestly, I haven’t been sure how well I’m hearing God, and I am tired. The idea of meditating on, absorbing, and fighting for a passage of scripture or some deep revelation or promise left me a crumpled heap on the floor. I really did not have the gumption to be a warrior racing into next year sword raised and expectations high. I really wanted to slide into the New Year curled up under my warm blankets, sheets over my head, quiet, and unnoticed.

So I hid in my spiritual closet. No, not my prayer closet. My hiding closet. The one I go to when I really don’t want to talk to God and I really don’t want Him to talk to me. The problem is He is the biggest nag in the world, and He has no problem with closed doors. He stands and knocks and knocks and knocks. Or in my case, slips little notes under the door in forms of phrases in dreams or thoughts that float through my head or the time that keeps showing up on the digital clocks or…I’m telling you. God is a nag. And if small notes under the door don’t work, He’ll send someone to talk to me, someone I like, someone I like to talk to, someone I look forward to. Someone like Alece Ronzino.

Then last week I was actually reading updates on Facebook when I saw a post by Alece. I like Alece. I like her writing. And God knows that.

In her post, Alece said she asked God for one word for next year. One word. One thing that she could use as a compass for her actions, for the way she lived, for her focus. Just one thing because surely she could do one thing.

One thing.

Surely I can do one thing.

“God, do you have one thing?”

Instantly, I had the word.

In the next instant, all those little notes God had been slipping under my door became more than random words. They became a command, an encouragement, and a promise.

My word: Courage

The scripture: Joshua 1:9—“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

The door had been flung open. The Lord stood in the doorway. He spoke clearly, and I listened.

“Courage.

Courage to believe for great things…anyway.

Courage to live as though those great things already are.

Courage to get outside your comfort zone.

Courage to do whatever you fear.

Courage to be the person you’ve always been,

the person I know you are, the unaltered version of you.

Courage to leave every hint of boxes behind.

Courage to believe you are all I say you are and can do all I say you can do.”

A word.

One word…but because it’s HIS word, it means everything.

In Summary...

It has been months since I've written on this blog. I have looked at it on my "dashboard" of my blogger control page a few times, but I have not known what to say. With the sweet comment Joy left, I felt I should update anyone who might find this blog or who might have followed it and wondered how things have evolved.

My mom, Gayle Kelley Lewis, went to be with Jesus October 2nd. I was with her when she transitioned from this world into her true home, where she was created to spend eternity. We were blessed with two months of her being in relatively good health before she became sick, went into an unconscious state 24 hours later, and passed on five days later. God was merciful beyond my wildest dreams, and I praise Him for His kindness to my mom and to us.

On November 1st, my uncle with whom I lived during college passed on. It was not unexpected, but it was a hard blow so soon after losing Mom. I remember little about November except I cried virtually everyday...but Thanksgiving was wonderful. I have to say that in the last six months November is the span where things felt truly dark and I felt lost. I ended up in Petite Jean State Park in Arkansas, really very much against my will, and God and I had a stand off. I raged and hurt and raged some more. I didn't hear big booming voices, couldn't point to an epiphany moment, but somehow in the midst of it all, I came home okay again.

My husband and I have been separated for six months. I have said little because we have not told the children, but Rob has decided to pursue a divorce next year. He is being very gracious concerning the finances so I will be able to stay home and home school until our children graduate high school, and our relationship remains amicable and focused on co-parenting the children.

The children have ups and downs. Anna has been amazing throughout the holidays. She has missed my mom horribly, but she has found great joy anyway. After Thanksgiving, she said, "Thanksgiving was wonderful, and I believe Christmas will be, too. I don't know what will happen next year, but I refuse to let it steal the good stuff from these holidays." If only ALL of us could live so wholly in the present...

As for me, the last two weeks of Christmas preparation has found me in tears again. I miss Mom horribly, and it is a different thing not having parents. I still love having the family here, but it was hard knowing that is even changing. My brother plans to take a trip next year. Rob is embarking on a life without me, and I don't know where the children will be. Christmas as I have known it for my whole life is no longer, and that has been very painful.

However, I have to say despite the pain--and trust me, I've hurt more deeply and wholly than I ever could have imagined--I am also hopeful and peaceful again. I still believe God is doing great things. I believe the children and I will flourish, and I am excited to see what the Lord does in 2011. It will be different, but I trust it will be the Canaan in contrast to Egypt kind of different, and it will be wonderful.

Please keep all of us in your prayers as we need them desperately. For those who have been praying for us, I truly cannot express the gratitude I hold in my heart for your love and kindness for my family and myself. We surely would have drown had we not been held up by others in prayer and deed. Thank you most sincerely for holding us before the Father.

I don't know if I will visit this blog again, but if you want to visit me some more, please come by my new blog and make yourself at home. Chat with me some and let me know how your heart and life are. You bless me greatly. If I can hold you up in prayer or with kind words, please feel free to share with me. I will gladly talk to Daddy and intercede on your behalf.

God bless and keep you.
May He gird you round about with His Presence and His passion.
May He be known by you more deeply daily,
...and when you are in the desert as we have been, may you always find the new way He is creating and be refreshed by the new springs He provides and the courage to believe His promises are still solid.

Most humbly His,
Jerri

Michael W. Smith - Healing Rain

I signed this song for Project Dance in New York a few years ago. It was in the low 50s, raining buckets...utterly miserable...and the street and sidewalks around Time Square were packed with people standing, watching the concert, hearing and seeing the powerful Truth of Jesus.

It was one of the most powerful moments of my life.

Dear God, please do what is necessary in me that I would always be a place where Your healing rain may fall...may soak the dry hearts, including my own...

I'm not afraid...of the healing rain.

When I Look in the Mirror, I See John Wayne

My Facebook avatar is John Wayne. Today a few folks asked why. Below is my answer.

John Wayne: I started to be sassy and say I have a leather fetish, but instead...it's not just the picture. It's the statement--"Courage is being scared to death--but saddling up anyway." 2010 has been a year when I learned a lot about what I am capable of...both good and bad...and it has required more determination and courage than I thought I had...

...2011 holds further changes that will push me further, demand more, and require faith I can only trust I have. I don't have the luxury of being weak or a wimp. Courage is a necessity...no matter how I feel, no matter how I fear.

Courage with the core character to do the right thing, to make the right decisions, to consider others' welfare and my responsibility to them...even when I appear questionable to me or others...is essential to traverse what lies ahead...

...and instead of simply having vague metaphors or commonly used verses, I have chosen a clear picture of what that means. I have chosen a picture of what it means to saddle up anyway, even when I'm scared to death...

I have chosen to be someone who does the right thing...not because it is the easy thing...but because it's the right thing.

And right now, to me, that looks like John Wayne.

Purpose

"PURPOSE is more than knowing one is loved.

It is knowing the power one imparts

through loving with word and ACTION.

It is knowing one is not here to simply get...

but has something valuable to GIVE....

and is COURAGEOUS enough to do so."

--Jerri Kelley Phillips

Alive and Dreaming

"Be a dreamer. If you don't know how to dream, you're dead." -- Jim Valvano

Six months.

What feels like a lifetime only started six months ago.

I have spent much of the last few days looking back over those six months, trying to make sense of the choices and the chaos, trying to understand the losses.

I have spent much of the last few days looking back over 20 years that brought me to the point of the last six months, trying to identify the causes, trying to figure out what could have been done differently.

I've spent a lot of time looking at a landscape that screams loss and ruin. Carnage of dreams and hopes lie scattered everywhere. Pieces of broken hearts lie scattered.

And my chest hurts, and the tears fall, and I force myself out of bed because the weight of what has fallen apart is too heavy to carry. Isn't one supposed to sleep when it is dark? When one is in the dark and isn't sure what way is forward, isn't best to not move at all?

Is it really that dark? Is it so dark that paralysis is the answer?

Or is it only dark enough to say that one time is over but another is coming? Is it only dark enough that one can dream well?

Dream of a home filled with laughter, of hearts filled with joy, of feeling purposeful again.

Dream that someone's life is better because I'm here, that someone's day is better because I am part of it, that someone's pain is lessened because I infuse some bit of love.

Dream that a day will come when I start the day with anticipation, that I will walk out my door on an adventure, that breathing will feel normal again.

Is it so dark as to sleep so deeply that hope's presence cannot be felt? That dreams are so easily forgotten? That belief in the morning is forgotten? That life should seem to stop because so much of what filled life is not anymore?

No.

It is not so dark that death should overcome, but only dark enough to allow one's mind to forget the previous time and present circumstances...and to dream...

Hardcore Faith

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

This sounds so "nice" and "pretty".

I don't need "nice" and "pretty" faith.

I need hardcore, withstand the onslaught faith,

the kind that keeps me solid when

I'm standing in front of an avalanche barreling at me,

knowing I can do nothing in my own power to stop it,

and trusting God is going to make it go around me in some way

--or dig me out safely--

because He said next week He has something for me to do.