Joy

Joy

In my last post, which was rather here and there because I was trying to keep it abbreviated and give the Cliff’s Notes version of life rather than the novelette, the overriding tone was depressed. I admit it. I have been battling a rather significant depression for several weeks, and I have done all the right things to work through it, but yesterday it became apparent that I was still struggling.

Yesterday morning I sat on my deck as I had my quiet time and poured my heart out to the Lord. I didn’t realize the depth of sadness and hurt over some things until I began to weep as I prayed. One of my honest prayers was simply, “Lord, I need out of this pit, and I am lost as to how to get out. Please reach in and get me.”

One area that has been hard lately is marriage. We are in a season of change and growth, which is great, and I know God is doing good things. Right now, though, there is uneven personal growth between Rob and me, and that is hard. We are also entering into a new season with our children as they reach a different level of independence, and all the changes often leave me feeling like I am on a boat in the middle of a lake in a huge storm wondering if the Guy sleeping in the bottom of the boat is aware of the situation or if He needs me to help Him grasp the reality of it all. While I know He isn’t sleeping and He does know, I have moments when the trip still makes me sea sick, and jumping ship seems to have some significant perks.

Lots of lovely imagery, eh? Well, let me put it simply: it seems that everything the Man of my Dreams has been doing lately is getting on my nerves. His very presence can be aggravating, and it isn’t just him. The children are the same way. Friends are the same way. Life is getting on my nerves, but it seems to be worst with Rob. Point blank prayer, “God, I’m tired of being annoyed. Help me find the joy in Rob.” Immediate thought: Get a journal and start writing every good point and all the things that make you thankful about Rob. Then do the same about the children. And do the same about your friends, and then write them notes telling them.

WHAT A GREAT IDEA!!!

I thought about it, and I think I have journals that will work for that, and I was sure I had note cards, and I was excited. The Lord had answered my prayers, and IMMEDIATELY! How great is our God!!!

And I got up and went in the house where children were hungry, schedules had to be met, and life took over, and the journal was left where it was, and subsequently, so were my emotions, thoughts, and mood.

At the end of the day yesterday, I had a stress head ache that was trying to turn into a migraine. My muscles were so tight that moving at all was painful. If it hadn’t hurt so much, I would have cried. I replayed the day and sunk even deeper. I talked to Rob about the fact that emotionally I was whipped. Physically, I was stressed to extremes. Mentally, I was battered with feelings of failure since I couldn’t snap out of it. As I lay down, I again prayed, “God, help me. I can’t do this.”

First thing this morning, I did a morning no-no. I pulled out my computer and decided to visit some favorite blogs. I visited Paula’s first because I had seen that she posted a new entry yesterday, but I didn’t have time to read it last night. Let me say, God speaks through Paula. Her whole post was on joy, and one of the comments from SharonB said “Joy…it is a choice of obedience”.

And I sat there with tears feeling overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness. He had answered my question two mornings in a row, and not once did He roll His eyes or say, “If you’d just have listened yesterday…” No. He just said, “Let’s try again, Jer,” and this time, I got it. In fact, I am recording it as part of my testimony, and you can be my witnesses. God is faithful, and there is joy in the journey.

So keeping with the Fifteen Joyous Things in my Life:

1. My family enjoying each other. I love hearing Rob and the children playing and laughing and being silly. It is great and wonderful joy.
2. Walks on the beach at sunrise with the children. That started about three years ago for us. I was going to take a walk by myself, but my daughter wanted to come, and I was afraid she’d wake Rob up if she didn’t. The next morning my son wanted to come. At first, I was annoyed because I wanted my time. In retrospect, those walks are the highlight of the beach and treasured memories.
3. Mornings. The first thing each child does is find me and hug or snuggle me and tell me how much they love me and how thankful they are. I tell them the same. That is pure gold.
4. Doing dishes with Rob.
5. The smell of fresh cut hay.
6. Reaching over in the night and patting Rob. Missing him when he has to travel.
7. Get the Thing. It’s perfectly clean dirty fun.
8. Friends who see me as I want to be and courageous speak life into that desire even when I seem to be very different from that.
9. Rain.
10. My photography when I see God’s hand in it and the picture is just right.
11. Receiving emails from our soldiers that we support.
12. Naps with Fred on the big bed.
13. Encouraging other people.
14. My mom, step-dad, and brother, getting together with them and playing games.
15. Talk time with the children.
16. Knowing I have a purpose and the Lord will fulfill it for His glory. I didn’t always know that or trust that, so this is a source of great excitement and joy for me.

I considered putting the “right” answers such as breathing, having food, having a home. You know, I have those all the time, praise the Lord, and too often, I am not very joyful. I find more and more that my joy centers around a few areas: my relationship with the Lord, my relationship with people who are important to me, my faith in God to care of me and my needs, and my value in Him. How those things manifest are different from day to day. All in all, though, the things that make my heart stop, breathe deeply, and feel full remain the same, and often, they are always there. I just have to stop and cultivate them.

Now, I need to go find that journal and start making my list.

Praying you recognize and cultivate the joy of God in your life…

And while you are at it, leave a comment telling me what makes you joyful. And, Iona, beloved friend who always brings me joy, you are tagged.

I am

For the last several weeks, I’ve been in a rather intense battle. In John 10:10 Jesus says that the enemy comes to steal kill and destroy. In contrast, Jesus comes to give life in abundance. While there is a spiritual war that we don’t often see, I have experienced the intense physical manifestations of this war, and it has been painful and joyous and overwhelming and freeing.

As I have watched this battle and experienced the personal blows, I have run the gamut of emotions from been heart sore to being ecstatic. I’ve also been ashamed and afraid, which the enemy wants because when we are ashamed or afraid, we cave up and close ourselves off. We become easy targets because while he is telling us all the lies, we have no one to counter with Truth. Well, my friends, I am here to tell you the Truth.

I have found that all warfare is mental. Sickness can be hard, but the big toll is on the mental state of a person. How well a person heals or not is directly related to positive mental health. If the enemy wants to take us out, he has to attack us mentally, and he does it in a myriad of ways. And he has a favorite time to attack you, too—when you are making progress.

At the beginning of the summer, a lot of wonderful things happened for me all at once. My pictures were published. I was asked to write an article for a women’s magazine. I had lunch with a group of talented, beautiful women who were the Lord’s voice of love and acceptance over me. I was preparing curriculum on identity to teach a women’s group this fall. My children were doing great, and I was feeling great about home school. I had even been given the “job” of photography a major women’s conference for our church’s magazine, and that was HUGE to me.

Wonderful things were happening, and the Lord was giving so much revelation for home school and the women’s group. I woke up waiting to see what gift I got to open that day knowing I was going to be lavished with something for the simple reason God loved me and loves to lavish His children with wonderful gifts.

Then, something happened. I started getting the hard gifts. Some of you know what I mean. They are the gifts that you love in retrospect, but cause deep heart ache when you are opening them. I got a series of those, and I did what I always do. I toughed it out.

I prayed in the morning. I prayed during the day. I remembered scripture. I remembered words the Lord had spoken to and over me. I knew what to do, except it didn’t work. Instead of coming up, I cratered.

Now, I’m not the first to crater. David cratered when he gazed at Bathsheba. Peter cratered when the rooster crowed. Thomas cratered when he dared someone to show him the holes in Jesus’ hands so he could stick his finger through them. I’m in good company.

One of the things all of them knew, though, was the gift of God’s Truth. It’s the gift that says God, not the crater, gets to define us.

David is the man after God’s heart (1 Samuel 13:14). Peter walked in so much power that people upon whom his shadow fell were healed (Acts 5:14-15). Thomas was undaunted when he declared Jesus as “my Lord and my God (John 20:28).

These men cratered, but that crater did not define them or determine their destinies. Those craters only make their testimonies more powerful and lend hope to those who come after them. These men had destinies of power because the Lord declared that over them. They had divine purpose, and as long as they receive that, they could not fail.

In the last few weeks, I have struggled with questions. I have struggled with failure, and I have struggled with shame. The enemy has brought up things from my childhood and my less than godly adolescence to throw at me and show me “who I am”. He has worked hard to kill my hopes, vision, dreams, faith, and identity because he wants to steal my destiny and destroy God’s power and glory in me.

One he other hand, there has been my Savior declaring that I am free, forgiven, and purposed. I have been deliberately chosen because of my strengths and weaknesses to accomplish great things for the kingdom, and He has blessed me with wonderful people who speak life into me daily.

Saturday was an amazing series of people and circumstances declaring God’s glory, love, and joy over me, and it was water to my soul. Talk about rivers in the desert. I danced and played in that river, and it was glorious.

Then today came.

One of the things about being in the company of folks like David, Peter, and Thomas is that you have to take the good with the bad. David is often remembered for his adultery more than his worship. Peter is known for sinking in the ocean more than walking on it. Thomas is know for being a doubter instead of a declarer. And today, I had my share of folks who obviously don’t think I am that special either.

I shared a personal prayer request with people I felt were safe, and one person blasted me and told me I wasn’t looking at it from God’s perspective and I didn’t have faith. I was too concerned about relationships and not enough about God’s view. I needed to pull it together and be a real Christian. Until then, I was a disappointment, and she had nothing to say.

Another person called to confirm our lunch Thursday. I am unable to meet for lunch near her home thirty minutes away, and then she told me what an inconvenience it was for her, and if she had known that, she would have come by yesterday when she was five minutes from my house anyway. There are two facts that I should mention: 1) I told her a week ago I couldn’t meet this week. 2) She has done this a number of times before. To me, it simply says she doesn’t think I am important enough to remember.

Then there were a few other significant people who did things that said I wasn’t important to them either.

Consciously, I don’t think any of them meant to convey that, but they didn’t consciously make effort not to convey it either. The enemy of course jumped right it with a great big, “See how unimportant you are. You aren’t valuable. People who claim to be your friend don’t care about you. You aren’t their effort. You aren’t worth remembering. You are worth the time. You are unimportant and worthless.”

And I won’t lie to you. The actions and words of those people hurt, and I spent way too much time stewing over them and giving my energy to these lies and acts of rejection. I wouldn’t be past the sting of one hit before another came. Then I was ashamed for letting these stupid things hurt me, and then fear hit me. Can I come out of this?

The answer is yes, but only with God’s Truth.

I received another response to the personal prayer request which started, “Thank you for trusting me with your heart.” She then shared about important people in her life and the lives of her sons who walked with them and carried them when her husband was killed in a car wreck two years ago.

I read a beautiful post written by Ben Powell whose son Ethan is a miracle of God’s healing power. You have to read the story to realize how truly miraculous Ethan’s life is. In this post, Ben talked about the people who had helped him and his wife walk through Ethan’s illness from the initial diagnosis in February to today. He shared the glorious blessing of relationships and how valuable support is.

Then there were phone calls and emails and God just loving on me in so many ways that said, “You ARE important. You ARE worth my time. You ARE mine.”

And as I write this incredibly lengthy post, that is where I am. That is WHO I am.

I am important.
I am worth God’s time.
I am forgiven.
I am loved.
I am chosen.
I am created with purpose.
I am beautiful.
I am free.
I am His.

He said so, and THAT, not what others say or how they treat me, is what defines me. What God says is the declaration of my value, my identity, and my destiny. You know why? Because God says, “I AM,” and therefore, I am.

Blessings on who you are according to I AM…

Copyright Jerri Phillips @ 2007

2nd Cup of Coffee and Other Favorite Treats

I have to tell you about a new blog spot I have found where I like to hang out. 2nd Cup of Coffee is now one of my favorite places to visit. Your hostess at this little coffee bar is Linda, and she serves up all kinds of stuff to make you feel good.

Seriously, all coffee cliches aside, I found Linda's blog one night when I was tired from being up with sick children, and I had taken some emotion stabs. I needed a "feel better", and I followed blog connections to Linda's site, and it was exactly what I needed. I laughed until I had tears. I don't know how to really describe Linda's writing, except to tell you that when I read her work, I think, "This woman is truly comfortable in her own skin." I think what I really love is that she takes life for what it is and has fun with it, AND she lets the rest of us come along. There is nowhere else where you can laugh so hard about bloody pedicures, badly fitting shoes, and a dog's exploding butt. I'm telling you. You just have to visit to understand. Oh, and I can't do the bellybutton lint service, so I won't try. Go read it yourself.

As I said, it is one of my favorite blogspots, and I wholeheartedly suggest it for others who need a good solid "feel better".

And while I am bringing up favorite blogs, let me revisit two others:

Iona is a precious friend who did the beautiful web design for Jerri's Munchies, my site for the devotionals I did when I had smaller children and more time. Iona is genuine, loving, and inspirational. She always amazes me. Even on her everyday stuff, I find encouragement and a smile. Check her out. I think it'll bless you, too.

Paula is a bit hard to describe. She's an amazing writer, but her blog is far more than that. It is real in a way that most of us can relate to, and I think that is the most endearing aspect to me. She also writes a wonderful devotional that you can have delivered to your email. Check out her home site, Soul Scents, and read previous devotionals and sign up for future ones.

Two other sites I want to suggest. One is Let's Say Thanks. This site has several postcard designs you can choose, and then you add a note already provided or one you choose to write. The notes are then printed and shipped to soldiers around the world. There is no limit to how many you can send, and the it is so appreciated by the troops.

The other site is Any Soldier. This site provides information on hundreds of soldiers who can use support from folks here. While you can find information about care packages, that is not the focus for the soldiers. On the contrary, the simple act of writing a letter or sending a postcard is greatly appreciated. To quote one of our soldiers in a unit we send letters and packages to, "Your packages are great, but we love your letters. We post them on the board so everyone can read them when they get time. You don't know how much they mean." That says it all.

So there are some of my favorite places to visit on the web. I hope you enjoy!

Infant Remembrance

I have tried to figure out an eloquent way to write this up. I want it to be reverent as it should be. In no way, do I want it to sound casual, and yet, so much of the topic is simply beyond what my words cannot address. This is a topic dear to me heart, and I keep fumbling over words—and emotions. So much so that I have avoided writing this for nearly a month, but it is something I want to tell you about. Perhaps it’ll be healing to someone you know as well.

On June 4, 2007, a family close to us celebrated the entrance of a beautiful little boy into this world. A few hours later, they had to say goodbye. That night about midnight Joe Young slipped quietly into the hospital with his equipment and used his camera to create photographic masterpieces of this tiny Treasure, and then he gave them to the family—all without cost—all invaluable.

Mr. Young is part of the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, which provides professional photography for families coping with the grief of losing a baby. I have visited their site. It is stunningly beautiful. I fully believe in the healing power of what they are doing, and I wanted to share their information with you.

The following is from their website:

“Pregnancy and birth are a miraculous journey. This amazing time of life is full of mystery, anticipation, joy, hope, and wonder. Feeling the powerful energy of birth and new life, watching as a new family is born unto each other. These things humble and amaze. These are the things that we celebrate when a baby is born.

But there is another aspect of pregnancy and birth. There is an unexpected place in this journey where some families may find themselves. When a baby dies, a world is turned upside down. There is confusion, sadness, fear, and uncertainty that cannot be explained. There is sorrow where there should have been joy. During this time, it might be impossible for families to know what they might need in order to heal in the future.

This is the place where NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP gently provides a helping hand and a healing heart. NOW offers a vital service to our community. For families overcome by grief and pain, the idea of photographing their baby may not immediately occur to them. Offering gentle and beautiful photography and videography services in a compassionate and sensitive manner is the heart of this organization. The soft, gentle heirloom photographs of these beautiful babies are an important part of the healing process. They allow families to honor and cherish their babies, and share the spirits of their lives.”

Caring Unapologetically

As I sit in my recliner writing this, my son sleeps restlessly on the couch less than four feet away. For the past four days he has been battling a flu-like virus, and for the last 30 hours or so, it has manifested in severe congestion in his sinuses. We know this is the last stage since our daughter endured the same nasty bug last week. We also know in some ways, this is the hardest stage.

Acetaminophen and ibuprofen give a good defense against the fever and headache. Lying still helps with the tummy ache, but the congestion is just a beast. Vaporizers, decongestants, and loads of waters don’t make much difference at all. If he lies down, he coughs and gags because the junk settles in his throat, so we keep him propped up, and it is easier to do that on the couch than in his bed. Plus, it is easier for one of us to be close to him this way as well.

During the two week stint of this virus’ rampage in our home, Rob and I have taken turns staying up with the children. Because their temperatures shot up to 103-104 without medicine, one of us would set an alarm and get up to give them medicine when it was needed. When little muscles and joints ached because of the high fever, we’d rub them. We placed cool washcloths on foreheads, and we kept water bottles readily available.

We have become aware of breathing changes, even quiet moans, and body movement. We have figured out which moans meant muscles ached and which moans meant we better have a trashcan ready. Even in our sleep, we are aware of these things and quickly respond to the need of the moment.

Thankfully, we have the ability to tag-team. After supper, I lay down and napped while Rob cared for the children. Now, I am taking the first shift of the night while he sleeps. If need be, I’ll wake him up later, and he’ll take over.

Granted, some of you might be wondering why we are “hovering”, and some of you may think our attention is excessive. You are certainly entitled to think that way, and I won’t tell you that you are wrong. However, one thing I have learned in my journey as a person and as a parent is that people usually have reasons for what they do, whether you agree or not. In my case, yes, I do fuss over my children when they are sick. Yes, I most likely am too protective. However, I know what we have gone through as we have dealt with a child who had a habit of going into respiratory distress without warning. For example, one very scary night I woke up and felt prompted to check on Robert. After the fact, it was obvious that it was the Holy Spirit who woke me up, but at the time I almost didn’t get up because a few ladies had taken it upon themselves to tell me I was overprotective and needed to quit fussing over my children so much. Instead of lying back down, I figured those women weren’t there to know, so I went into Robert’s room to find his lips and mouth blue and in distress to the point he could not make sound.

Maybe I am more fussy than most mothers. I don't know. What I know is my children. I know where we've been, and I know what we've endured. I am extremely protective, and I won't apologize for it.

And besides, I think we are teaching our children something important. Our actions tell our children, “You can depend on us. We are watching out for you.” More than that, I think we are saying, “Because we represent God to you, we want our actions to clearly say you can depend on Him. He is watching out for you.”

The Bible says we can cast our cares on Him because He cares for us. If our sitting in this recliner or dosing on the floor teaches our children that they can sleep when they are sick because they know we’ll be there if they need us, then it’s worth it because some day they will have to do something that tests their trust in God whether it be a move for business, a broken relationship, sickness, whatever. Something will come when they need to know they can trust God to care for them, and Rob and I will be able to say, “Do you remember when you were little and you would get sick? We would lie with you or put you on the couch and we’d sleep in the recliner or on the floor?” They’ll nod, and we’ll say, “We were so aware of your needs. Remember how we had water for you, gave you medicine, made sure there were crackers where you could reach them? Remember how we uncovered you when you were hot and wrapped you up when you were cold?” They’ll nod again, and we’ll say, “We did all that because we love you. We cared about you and cared about your comfort and health. We cared that you could rest. We cared about how you felt. We did those things because we love you, and you know what? God loves you even more.

“He is even more aware of your needs. He is everything you need, and where we could only wish to help, He can completely help. When we had to sleep or leave your side for a moment, He never leaves you. When we would get fatigued and frustrated, He is always patient and kind. He says you can cast every care and concern on Him because He cares for you. Whatever is bothering you, He will give you the attention we gave you and more. The comfort you found in knowing we were there, you can find in knowing He is there.”

Yeah, we might be a bit obsessive, but we’ve had a good example. I pray we reflect Him well enough for our children to see that.

May you be aware of the caring presence of the Lord in whatever is making you ache as well.

Copyright Jerri Phillips @ 2007

Real Life

It has been nearly two weeks since I posted last, and that bothers me. I try to post weekly. I would like to post 2 or 3 times a week, but that is unrealistic considering my life right now, and that is okay. Right now, my life centers around my home and children, and I like that. At one time I didn’t think I would, but I do.

In fact, as I type this, my beloved children are cutting fabric scraps of all sizes and sewing things in order to make clothes for their stuffed animals. After 2 hours in uncomfortable dining room chairs, I had to take a break, but they are out there plugging away.

Today was supposed to be cleaning day, but I have nothing to convince me that a clean bedroom floor is more important than the creative actions going on in my sunroom right now. Besides, Anna is teaching Robert what she knows, and he is listening, and they are talking-bonding. They are being best friends, and that is a relationship I want to encourage.

So my day is blessed with the joy of sewing, laughing, and learning with the two coolest little folks I know. As a mom, it doesn’t get any better than this.

I sometimes forget how good days like this can be. I’m not one who tends to enjoy sitting. In fact, sitting often induces stress for me, but for two weeks now, the Lord has been reinforcing the joy of still. Well, “still” takes on different meanings, I guess.

Last week Anna came down with a flu-like virus that kept us homebound for the week. This week, Robert has it. We have all battled cabin fever at different times. I probably battled most of all. I have grown a bit tired of Uno, and if I have to watch a particular movie about a mouse being shoved down a toilet again, I may develop a tic.

However, I just fixed a hat for a Chihuahua, thus, allowing my son to know he is not a failure as a designer. He just has to learn how to improvise a bit. I’ve also kept my daughter from tears by being the one to put that giant string of thread through the tiny hole in the needle. Those holes were much bigger when I was younger. And from the reaction of both, you would think I had just saved mankind from some torturous extinction via sewing pins and scissors. I am quite sure I get the “Mommy of the Day Award”, and for such simple things.

The big thing, though, is that I did them. More than that, I made time to do them. Case in point, this paragraph, as it stands right now, has been a 10-minute effort, but during those 10 minutes, my son showed me his fun clothes dance, and I got to see a stuffed dog do some rather funny tricks. He’s really good at playing dead.

Once a lovely lady told me days when the children are ill are great days to do a deep cleaning on the house. It wasn’t until I quit laughing that I realized she was serious.

Deep cleaning on sick days is not my M.O. I have done some cleaning such as laundry and dishes, but beyond that, why bother? There are blankets on every surface where a small child with a 103 fever might want to lie down and curl up in order to feel warmer due to chills. Toys that were highly entertaining until the queasy wave hit are scattered here and there, but because they are often revisited once the wave has passed, I see no point in picking them up. No, I figure when the temperatures are normal and the tummies are settled, the clutter can be picked up and properly placed. For now, it is kind of nice to enjoy low-key children who want to sit, color, paint, sew, or watch TV…or even just snuggle and talk.

I have to say, this isn’t the life I dreamed of. It’s a lot better than any dream I ever had. Really.

Copyright Jerri Phillips @ 2007

Missing Pictures

June 16, 2007

Today was our family reunion. Every other year my dad’s family gathers the day before Father’s Day to reconnect and meet new members of the clan. In the past we have done family group pictures. I like looking back at those pictures and remembering precious folks that have been important in my life.

Today we did family pictures. Two years ago when we took those pictures, I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. In fact, my knees buckled, and I had to lean against a table. Today, it was easier, but tears still came. The pictures affect me because of those who are no longer in them. When it was my family’s turn, I suddenly had an incredible sense of being alone.

Today my brother had to work. My mom has remarried, and she and my step-dad felt odd about attending, and my dad is no longer here to attend.

I miss my dad.

I hate that we have these reunions the day before Father’s Day. While I really enjoy my family, there is always an underlying sadness. Father’s Day is tough in and of itself, and the reunion only reminds me of how much is missing.

I know we have hope because of the Lord Jesus Christ, and I know the Father God is our true Father. He is a Father to the fatherless, and I am blessed in that the Lord has given me a wonderful step-dad. I know I am not without or lacking.

I also know I would love to hear my dad laugh again. I would love one more cup of his coffee. I would love to sit with him on the porch and look across the creek bottom and watch the sun come up one more time.
Tonight we took my step-dad out for dinner, and we had a lovely time with him. We always do. Tomorrow we’ll celebrate my husband because he is a great dad.

And the sadness in my heart and feeling of loss will hopefully cause me to take a closer look at what is IN the picture.

I pray your pictures are full of people who bring you joy…even those precious people who are missing.